The Flannyclan

Jack in Full Effect

2009-03-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

Just some randoms from recently:

Open For a New Kind of Business

2009-03-09T23:32:00.000-07:00

I can understand the desires of the early bloggers, to keep their real identities unknown to their readership and to have a forum where transparency would not become a burden on their real lives. I've never understood it before, because I always thought I was bold and daring. And I might have been.

But then I got old and married, babied and jobbed.

So, I thought that delicate allusions to what I was actually feeling, mixed in with anecdotes that might highlight some of the more secret thoughts, would be a good path to follow. I mean, who knows who is reading this blog? And I never wanted to make it a Members Only kind of deal because I love being public.

Or I did. Until things got too real.

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It turns out those allusions? They're confusing to people. If you are one who has been confused or misled by one of them, know that I was trying to spare the feelings of all involved. I feel like I went from having to answer to no one to having to answer to anyone and everyone. And I tried. And failed.

Transparency.

I'm making this blog a Family Photos Only blog. No words, other than photo descriptions. No stories, none at all.

And don't try to follow me to the new place. There are many people who read this blog who won't appreciate the new transparency that will abound there. Loads of translucent, lucid, blunt & delicious thoughts. Cutthroat.

The comments will always be closed.

The Story of Jack, as Told by Caleb

2009-03-05T08:46:00.000-08:00

On Sunday morning Holly woke up like normal, but all of the previous night she had been having some pretty intense contractions about every 20 to 30 minutes which basically kept her up so she was incredibly tired. She ate breakfast and then the contractions came back. This time they were 10 minutes apart and stayed that way for about five hours. It meant we didn't go to church because we weren't sure if they would get closer together and Holly obviously didn't want to deal with the scene of having a bad contraction in public, who can blame her.

Anyways, at about 3:00pm she fell asleep on the couch from the exhaustion of being awake the entire night and the contractions slowed down quite a bit. They were just scattered throughout the rest of the day, but never consistent until about 8:30pm when they came back with a vengeance.

By 10:00 she had been having them 5-7 minutes apart for almost two hours, and I called the hospital to check what we should be watching for before driving over to check in. They said to wait until midnight and if they stayed at the same pace to come in then. That's what we did and by midnight she was 3-4 minutes apart and getting more pain from the contractions.

So, we grabbed the packed bag and pillow and headed to the hospital. We took the elevator up to the 5th floor where the Labor and Delivery area is and on the way Holly's water had broken. By the time they got her to sign one or two papers and changed into her fancy hospital smock she was dilated to 5cm and well on her way to having a baby. She was relieved because she was worried that they were going to send us home and she'd have to deal with the contractions at home all night long before taking finals the next morning. They told her she was going to be having a baby before the sun came up, which made her pretty happy.

The nurses got her all situated with an IV, heart and contraction monitors, etc and then settled down to watch her and check her progress. After another hour she was dilated to 6cm so the guy showed up to give her the epidural and make sure that was ready to go. Not too long after the epidural kicked in, Jack started to show some weird signs of stress as his heartbeat started to do some funny stuff following each contraction. Apparently they don't like that to happen because within minutes every single one of the 8 nurses on duty that night were in the room doing something. They had to turn Holly from side to side to see if they could get Jack to calm down and at one point they even had her up on her hands and knees to see if that would work. They wound up calling in the Dr. Harrison early just to be safe because they thought they might have to do a C-section if Jack's heart didn't start behaving.

Eventually the shot they gave her to stop the contractions got him back to where he was supposed to be and as it wore off over the next half hour or so he didn't act up, just dealt with it like he was intended to. That's when the nurses and Dr. Harrison said to just take it easy and go to sleep.

While we were asleep until about 5:30am Holly finished dilating from her 6cm all the way to the full 10cm and the nurses quickly got the stuff ready for Jack to arrive. Holly started pushing at about 5:50am and had to push three times each through about 15 contractions and Jack was out and in the world.

He arrived at 6:27am and weighed 7 lbs, 10 oz while measuring in at a healthy 19 1/2 inches long. He was quite purple when he got here, just like all babies are, and his hands are quite large for a newborn, so who knows what is going on with that at the moment. He has passed all of his fancy tests and hasn't had any problems so it looks like we should be heading home either this evening, or tomorrow morning unless a new complication arises.

Analyze This

2009-03-02T19:01:00.000-08:00

I'm having a big problem lately with people telling me what to do.

I thought that it was an emotional thing, seeing as the people who were telling me what to do are related to me. And then I thought that it was lack of sleep, but Jack has been really kind the last few nights. After that, I figured it must be the stress of moving and rearranging and cleaning and adjusting - turns out that I am more happy these last two days than I've been the last six months.

So, I'd just written it off. Maybe I'd gotten past whatever personality slump that had put me in such a defiant place.

Then, this evening, some BYU Wymount custodial guy came and yelled at me for misusing the garbage disposal and causing a back-up to multiple other sinks in the quad. I said to him, "I haven't even used the disposal, so you're mistaken. Also, I've lived here awhile and I know what I'm doing."

I shut the door. I sat on the couch. I bawled in frustration.

There's gotta be something else going on.

And the Winners Are...

2009-02-25T13:37:00.000-08:00

Cecilia Tauteoli!

Shelley Allison!

Julie Chatfield!

Whitney Hardie!

and

Diana Waite!

Congratulations, girls - I am so excited to make something special for each of you! Please email me your address at luxurious@gmail.com and get ready for a surprise to show up on your doorstep someday!

And thanks to random.org for making the choices truly random.

Handmade Ambush

2009-02-23T08:43:00.000-08:00

The deal: I will draw 5 random people who comment on this post and they will receive something made by me. To you! It will be my choice and made especially for you. Leave your comment here before 11:59 pm MST Tuesday. Just so we’re on the same page, here are the rules.

The details: No guarantees you will feel absolute true love, but possibly happiness, fervor, or chocolate. What I create will be just for you. It will be done sometime this year. You have no clue what it will be… it may be a story. Maybe poetry. (Well, probably not either of those.) I may draw or paint something. It will most likely be a wicked mix CD or a home-sewn Mystery Hero Bunny. But I may bake something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you! That’s for sure. I reserve the right to do something extremely kooky.

The fine print (which is actually the same size, but whatever): If you are chosen, you may re-post this on your blog and offer the same to 5 people who do the same on their blog, if you'd like. When you get your lovely homemade goods from me, post a picture on your blog so I know my love arrived without a hitch.

Before you type in your name I think that you should know a few things.
#1. Do I care if you actually follow the rules? No...but Karma will.
#2. Do I care if we know each other? No, but you will be subject to my taste!
#3. I love this idea.

Feeling Inspiration

2009-02-17T12:30:00.000-08:00

We're about to embark on a new adventure. I'm pretty sure we are, anyway. And, in thinking about this new adventure, I've been really inspired to turn a new leaf and do things a new way. New new new.

Here are my inspirations for the day:

A thought bubble chalkboard from Red Velvet Art. The thought of having a message board that can be positioned for really fun pictures and silly moments has inspired me to get crafty with the chalkboard paint.

The Rex Lee Run at BYU is mid-March, and Julie and I are going to participate this year. Having a goal like this has inspired me to start taking care of myself post-pregnancy and having Shelley and Julie as examples is so awesome.

This crocheted heart garland is so beautiful and accessible for me, someone who doesn't consider herself crafty in the slightest. And upon seeing it, I thought the old "Someday...." Well, this inspiration leads me to stop "somedaying" myself and start "todaying."

This book came into our lives, and I've been reading it pretty voraciously. When we picked it up, I didn't realize that it was so closely tied to the values of Objectivism, a philosophy started by Ayn Rand, who is the author of my favorite books. Anyway, after poring through it, I'm inspired to be more self-accepting and living more purposefully.

This monthly playlist idea has completely altered the way I look at my music now. I've always known that I've gone through phases, but I'm intrigued to see how the weather, time of year and experiences of each month will affect what I listen to. So far on my February 2009 list: "Anyone Else But You" from the Juno soundtrack and "Robocop" by Kanye West.

Even though the weather's yucky and we may have a stuffy nose disease running through our house, things are looking up.

Here's Another Hit

2009-02-13T10:47:00.000-08:00

Fancy that. I'm wanting to start every blog post with, "My mom always told me...." And interestingly enough, I don't feel like she was actively didactic throughout my life. She must have just talked a lot. :)

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My mom always tells me how she became a lot nicer to everyone once she started sleeping again. After about a 12 year hiatus from A Full Night's Sleep, my mom's mood improved immensely and she felt like a fully functioning human being again. I'm glad she can laugh about it now, instead of plotting revenge on us kids.

But, I always found it intriguing that someone's personality could actually become different with a lack of sleep. Of course my mom was always my mom, but really she was kind of a pale shadow of herself. The idea that bringing children into the world also equalled a certain commitment to losing that Awake part of your personality never really hit home for me until Jack came.

After getting over the initial novelty of having him around, Jack has become pretty easy to hang out with, for the most part. Sure, he has his days where I can't put him down or he insists on seeing every shirt in my wardrobe and facilitates that by puking on all the subsequent ones. Who doesn't have days like that, though? And with the newness wearing off, the playing house-ness of waking up multiple times a night became a nightly grind. This especially became the case when Caleb and I decided that it would be best if he went to school at 8 a.m. every morning, instead of only twice a week. After we came to that conclusion, I dedicated myeslf to bother him the least amount possible every night (which still equates to some Take The Baby Please moments). So, what does all of this mean, other than fewer quality nights of sleeping?

The Awake part of my personality has become pretty dormant. Though I try not to be, I'm a little snippier when faced with something or someone that makes me lose my patience. My spontaneous urges to lift the world off its feet are far fewer. Staying awake to watch Saturday Night Live, even if the host is Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie 4 Eva! <3), seems to be an overwhelming task. And dagnabbit, I just can't help myself sometimes and I give in to my boldly assertive side that I thought I'd tamed once I got married.

Though I really like Awake Me, I also really like Jack. I'll just have to hope that until my baby days are over, everyone will know to try not to take the assertive side of me too personally (though I secretly wish I could be aggressively assertive all the time! Go me!).

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Squishy Friend is almost two years old. I'm shocked he's made it this far, with how rough and tumble Caleb is with him.

Mama Bear

2009-02-11T15:44:00.000-08:00

Come see new pictures of Jack. Holla!

And It Goes A Little Something Like...

2009-02-08T12:31:00.001-08:00

I always say it. I always mean it. I love working at a place where I love the people and adore the subject matter. Even though I've never considered myself an artistic person, I am constantly inspired to create when I look through each project for the magazines we put out. And, nerdily enough, I seriously love the challenge of my particular part of it all - words and punctuation are my favorite!

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Anecdote:

Caleb was recently needing classes to fill up his schedule. He was looking through the fine arts courses, listing off, "Drawing, Bookbinding, Ceramics...." At the mention of ceramics, I immediately blurted out, "My ceramics class in high school helped me achieve my greatest artistic feat!" I then commenced my story about a small ceramic statue of my friend Tom Mitchell. I was taking a ceramic class in my junior year, and we had to do a small piece. At the time, I was in a physics class with my friend Tom, a lanky guy who I knew from drama. I decided that he would be a perfect model.

I worked intensely hard on this little Tom, the toughest thing being his mop top hair cut. I finally had to make a bald Tom and then a separate hair piece, which I added on later. The end result was pretty good, and I got brave enough to enter it into our school art show, Chepulechi. I also entered in my Pirate pig mug, which continues to be a classic piece of high school memorabilia.

Our ceramics class took a tour of the art show in the Multi-Purpose room a few weeks later, and to my surprise, my little Tom had won an honorable mention ribbon! I was so thrilled - little, non-artistic Holly had won something for her art! For being my inspiration, I gave my little Tom to big Tom at the end of the year. Last I talked to him, many moons ago, he still had that award-winning piece of art.

And out of all of the high GPAs, the scholarships and the perfect scores, the accomplishment I am the most proud of is the one I thought I'd never achieve - honorable mention in the Small Ceramics.

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This is one of my all-time favorite pictures of Caleb and Jack, even though it's dark as all get out and totally cell-phone quality. This was the first real night we spent in the hospital (see how I'm not counting the night of active labor we spent there?), as Caleb was getting ready to go home for the night. It was a difficult decision for Caleb, to leave Jack and I at the hospital to go home and get a good night's sleep. So difficult, in fact, that even though he was a walking zombie, he still had a heck of a time putting down his brand-new son.

And don't tell anyone, but there were tears streaming on both sides of the camera. This was probably the most spiritual, beautiful time we ever had in Jack's first days.

What I Like

2009-01-26T08:24:00.001-08:00

Taken from an 11/25/08 journal entry:

Lately I've been thinking about peer pressure, in order to distract myself from thinking about the pressure on my rib cage.

What makes someone enjoy the things they do? Very often in youth, it's whatever your friends like or whatever you've heard is popular with the "in" crowd. And as one ages and loses touch with pop culture, does that mean real preferences come through?

I know that my brief love affair with Dave Matthews Band was influenced by the kids who were a grade older than me. I'm aware that my husband's obsession with Transformers, while unhealthy now, probably will fade once he reaches grandpa-age.

So, here is a compilation of things that 23 year-old Holly likes now, that I'm pretty sure isn't too influenced by the outside world.

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DISNEYLAND

Though it's been ingrained in me throughout the years, I am still as much in love with this place at 23 as I was as a kid. My first instinct when I get antsy or bored or cabin fevered is to beg Caleb to take me to Disneyland. Out of all of the fun places that are great about southern California, this is the one that calls to me from over 600 miles away.

Kanye West

Though I have a few friends who like him and the radio station I listen to plays his singles, I would say my preference for his music transcends simple peer persuasion. When I'm home alone, I am often listening to his CDs in succession. When I walked to school each morning these last few semesters, I pumped his song "Good Morning" first thing on my iPod. Though I wouldn't say that he and I have had many common experiences, Kanye West's music really speaks to me on an artistic level.

Nostalgia

I have not always enjoyed looking back on my past. I still don't like to retrace particular footsteps, but for the most part, I love piecing together memories through photos, journals and other pieces of memorabilia. And this doesn't simply apply to my own memories, but is more wide-spread to people I love. I hope to continue to create experiences that I will enjoy remembering in the future.

College

I have never really been an education self-starter. Though I was successful through my public education career, the cause was rarely a desire to gain more knowledge but rather to impress my teachers, parents and peers. And because things came easily to me, I didn't really have to put much thought into anything. So, when I got to BYU and didn't have a strict schooling schedule, I completely lost control. The years after that were a mix of "What am I doing with my life" panic and "I'm going to do whatever I want" bravado. And though I went to school intermixedly in that time period, I can honestly say that I did not imagine graduating until this last semester. I worked almost full time, I was going to school full time and making a baby full time. And through all of that sacrifice, I realized that graduating was something I want to do for myself. It may not be soon, but I am going to do it.

Goal Setting

This is a picture of our reading worm from summer 2008. A reading worm consists of body parts that represent books that we've read during the summer, and when certain page amounts are read, one is rewarded with the prize that was agreed upon at the beginning of the summer. Reading a ton of good books is a great goal, but doing this certainly reminds me that I have a lot of other things I want to accomplish in life. I'm not entirely a fantastic goal setter or achiever, but when I do make goals and reach them, I know that I've done it for me and no one else. This reading worm system from my childhood taught me that when goals are reached, good things come out of it (like a trip to the library or ice cream!).

My Boys (Added 1/27/09)

Caleb told Jack last week, "You know, it's just starting to feel like having you around is normal." I don't think life will ever feel normal for me again, because I can't believe how lucky I am to have these two guys with me forever. That's something really extraordinary.

And You Know You Should Be Glad

2009-01-26T07:34:00.000-08:00

I realize that Jack is white like a zombie in this picture, but trust me, it's terrible lighting.

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He is a sick boy today; I'm going to attribute it to the currently freezing snow that is covering the ground and the millions of germs we inundated him with yesterday by going to church. It was important for Caleb and I to go, for our mental and spiritual health, but all I could imagine was a huge, scruffy RSV germ hiding around each corner.

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But, I posted this picture so all those who are descending upon Utah in the coming weekend will get pumped up to see this sweet, sleeping face (for most, it is the first time!). We cannot wait for the festivities, the actual baby blessing not being the least of them. For what it is worth, I'm holding myself back from painting the whole house in preparation.

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The nesting that never came during my pregnancy may now be manifesting itself.

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And, as a side note, I really enjoyed the post-Sunday Dinner chat last night. I'm related to some seriously cool people!

Today Feels Like

2009-01-22T14:22:00.000-08:00

Choice A:

Choice B:

Choice C:

Let me tell you....

(idea stolen from blingonmysewingmachine.blogspot.com)

Dirty, Dirty Laundry

2009-01-21T09:07:00.000-08:00

Here are all of the things that I intend to do every day:

Finish the thank you cards from baby/Christmas - I am not a good thank you card writer. But after having been reamed pretty thoroughly over a period of time about being a terrible person if I do not send any, I have attempted to be more conscientious about them. So, in a fit of productivity very close to the birth of my baby boy, I wrote most of the notes that need to go out. All of them are missing important components, though - addresses, stamps, the correct spellings of names.And now they are sitting on the dresser - waiting, waiting, waiting.
Organize my scrapbooking supplies - Ever since we moved into Grandma's, my stuff has been in a huge box stuffed in the storage closet in the outside hall. When I've needed to use anything, I ask my husband to take it down from its high height. And then I scrounge through this box until I find what I want. Afterward, the box sits in the front room until my strong husband returns to put it back in the closet. It's not an efficient system. It's not condusive to creativity. And it certainly isn't helping me get excited to make any baby scrapbooks. I need to remedy this. And yet, the entire thought process only makes it as far as, "Maybe I should do that today...."
Take Jack for a walk - That's what mommies do, right? Put on their big ol' hoop skirts and push the baby down the avenue in his pram, right? But I always find an excuse to excuse me from this particular activity. Mostly it comes down to the frigid temperatures/ridiculously icy sidewalks. But this boy is rarely outside and honestly rarely sees out a window (thanks, living in a basement!). So, when he grows up to be a hermit, you know who to thank!
Sew a quilt - I have some really great material that I want to get down and dirty with. I also am jealous that everyone in the world has made Jack a blanket except for his own mother. Seems to be an easy fix, right?
Do something special for Caleb - I know how much of a sacrifice it was for him to give up his all Holly, all the time lifestyle, so I often wish that I could have a romantic dinner prepared for him when he comes home or that all of the laundry/grocery shopping/housework could instantly be done in one afternoon. But I am constantly fighting for time to take a shower or eat a bowl of cereal, so this is always a pipe dream.
Set up my 6 week post-natal appointment - This is just me dropping the ball over and over again.
Decide upon an eclectic, yet affordable way to decorate this basement - Though the length of our stay is becoming shorter all the time, I get so inspired by the websites and magazines I'm constantly looking through. There is only so much you can do when brown and tan shag carpet is the thing you must decorate around, though.
Doing a home-made baby photo shoot - I can only make memories of sweet cheeks and baby acne for so long. And though I don't really consider myself a great composition fiend, I think I can take adequate photos for picture albums and digital photo obscurity. Jack is precious; there's really no good excuse for the dirth of photos.
Making the BIG decisions - There is only so long that these can be put off.

And every day is instead spent delving deeper into the mysteries of VH1 and napping with my baby. Seems like an okay trade-off in the short term.

Fad

2009-01-14T23:31:00.000-08:00

I found this way cool website called Poladroid where you can make your digital pictures have that unique Polaroid look. I can't stop playing with it!

Express Yourself (and Life-giving Fluids)

2009-01-14T08:47:00.000-08:00

Nursing has been incredibly emotionally taxing. I know that it's supposed to help me bond with my son, but all it really does is make me resent him every two hours. At first, I thought that it was because we weren't in synch or because my hormones were still making me emtional. But, it's been a month (yay, he's an old man!) and I still dread seeing the little sucking motions he does.

And I hate that because I love him. I just love him so terribly.

There are a lot of reasons I'm still sticking with it, though. None of them have to do with his health or mine, however. It's a mixture of outside pressures, the high cost of formula, and vanity.

Only 8 more months.

It's All Beginning

2009-01-12T19:30:00.000-08:00

I was inspired by the Project 365 kit and have decided to willy-nilly post pictures from it every now and again.

January 1st- This was about 2 minutes into the new year; we spent New Year's Eve at Shyla and Russell's, and Shyla had a blast holding that cute baby.

January 2nd- We've discovered that this is a baby who likes to be propped up so he can see what's going on. It was a very useful discovery, especially in the evenings when he'd been fussy in the past.

January 3rd - Having Caleb home for winter break was super beneficial for the whole family.

January 4th - Welcoming Julie home from her winter break in Redlands.

January 5th- Jack is getting used to his swing, little by little. We do practice 15 minute sets a couple of times a day.

And a bonus picture- Our new favorite family game is "Oh, look, Jack went potty on me."

But He's Just a Boy

2009-01-09T09:48:00.000-08:00

I'm fighting ennui with eyeliner.

Adjusting to this new lifestyle is proving to me why older women typically have a great affinity for make-up. I never really thought about how adding some lipstick to the mix would affect my mood until I became a walking cafeteria; now, I'm trying to convince myself that beauty is better than a few extra minutes of sleep. It's a work in progress.

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This is the last day of Caleb's first week back at school. It also being the first week of Grandma's pelvic healing process made for a hectic week for me. I'm trying to convey to everyone I talk to how incredibly looney I'm becoming and how I'm basically losing my marbles, but apparently that is not an atypical response to first-time motherhood. I was kind of hoping for the lost-in-my-baby's-eyes kind of blissful love, but instead I am alternating between the this-is-my-life-now panic and I-can-do-this-even-though-I'm-completely-in-over-my-head determination. Of course, there is the melting kind of love mixed in, as well; it's just not in as large of portions as I'd like.

And all through this, Caleb's been working, schooling, 2 a.m. waking. He's a superstar at this parenting thing.

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Julie gave me a Michael Phelps calendar for Christmas. He is so dreamy, in a goofy way.

And I Love Strong People

2009-01-04T20:09:00.000-08:00

We miss this lady.

We think that this guy is a very valuable member of the family.

We are hoping that this new adventure will go easily on this girl.

We are going to get a better family picture than this. Soon.

Listings

2009-01-03T13:08:00.000-08:00

I saw:
* A baby come out of my body
* My toes for the first time in awhile
* My husband become a daddy in an instant
* So many nice people who came to see me in the hospital
* A little baby sleep through his entire first Christmas
* Jack's first tear on December 31st
* Snow falling in the middle of the night last night, but no new snow when I woke up this morning
* So many cute pictures of Shelley and Rick's baby, but it still wasn't enough!
* Too many eye boogers in my baby's eyes
* A lot of MTV's "Made" marathon

I went to:
* Shyla and Russell's house for New Year's Eve
* The bathroom only once yesterday - guess who's not drinking enough water anymore?
* Great lengths to make sure that my eyeliner was good for the baby photo shoot with Whitney yesterday

I thought about:
* My dream where my boss fired me for the mistakes of others
* The 365 (Picture-a-Day) project and how it will help me keep things excited around the house
* What we were going to eat for the next week - New year, new attitude about food
* How magical the new space heater is
* What life would be like if I weren't always looking at what will happen and just focused on what is happening

I got:
* High School Musical Dance Dance Revolution from Santa
* Dizzy after a whole day of not taking care of myself and instead focusing on the baby
* A Cocomotion for when Russell, Megan and I have hot chocolate parties (Thanks, Flanagans)
* Emotional after taking my baby out in the wintery cold
* High School Musical Mystery Date (Yay Mommy!)
* Many Facebook well wishes, which made me feel amazing

I gave:
* The gift of life
* A lot of people a new title (aunt, Grandpa, Grandma, etc.)
* Apparently confusing scarves
* Not nickel-free arrow rings
* Caleb the wrong idea
* A very huggable polar bear

I ate:
* More See's candy in the last two weeks than I have in the last two decades
* Seriously delicious clementines and now I want more
* All of the peanut brittle

I learned:
* That my capacity to love is bigger than I ever imagined
* To be patient with myself can only help my situation
* That I am a stud on Guitar Hero 2
* How to utilize my free time to do projects that always get swept to the wayside
* From my mistakes
* That my priorities have changed, but that I'm not a completely different person now that I have a child
* All about my "special talent" in regard to my parents
* That I need my husband just as much as I'd always thought he needed me
* Sometimes people who I thought were out to get me might really have been looking out for my best interests

And Another Exciting Thing...

2008-12-31T22:10:00.000-08:00

Shelley had her very sweet baby on December 30th. His name is Jett and his pictures can be found at Julie's blog

Now, the cousins just have to meet!

A Link and a Wink

2008-12-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

Check out my flickr account for some exciting pictures of the last 11 days.

Also, I'm excited to blog about it all - but only when I get to feeling like it!

Distractions, Distractions

2008-12-14T08:37:00.000-08:00

While Grandma was decorating her Christmas tree yesterday, she came upon these two cute ornaments from 1988. The top one is Shelley looking smokin' and the bottom one is me looking squinchy-faced. I was surprised by how amused I am looking at these pictures, so I thought I'd share. And the ornaments are definitely going on the tree!!!

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Just an update - all last night and now into the morning, I'm having these weird-faux contractions about 4-5 times an hour. They woke me up VERY often, so I'm not particularly rested this morning. They're kind of scaring me straight, though, so I am going to pack the hospital bag just in case. They are having the opposite effect on Caleb, though - he said, "Maybe he'll come today, and then I can hold him!!!" It is obvious who has to take the harder journey here.

Devil Santa and a Statement

2008-12-09T12:08:00.000-08:00

Not only does this Santa want to punch you, he wants to do it while looking at you through his red devil eyes, which are deep-set in his angry, wrinkly, red face.

The only benefit to this whole fiasco is that he also happens to be willing to help you jot down notes with his black-inked soul.

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I'm winding down.

Add-Ons

2008-12-06T13:00:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, I was very aware that I had all sisters. I also knew that I had no brothers. Both of these facts were not hard to grasp, and they didn't make too much of a difference in how I lived life.

When I was dating, I continued to have all sisters. I also kept the trend of no brothers going. Then, my sister Shelley got married. She married a boy named Rick. Who became my brother. Ish.

This totally changed how I perceived my family. When I was asked about my siblings, I could comfortably say that I had 4 sisters, but then there was this guy who was instantly a part of my family just because. So, did I say that I had a brother? I decided that I would - so, 4 sisters, one brother (in-law). I liked how that sounded. And it also started my thinking that when all of my sisters get married, I'm going to have FOUR brothers. The thought of this really excited me, but also scared me - what if these boys who come into the family are scary or mean?

A few months later, another boy contracted to become a part of our family. Luckily, I got to hand-pick the guy, but unluckily I did not gain another brother. Just a husband. But, now there were two boys who were additions to the family. And the random pairing that could be been a new-sibling rivalry became a friendship.

Caleb and Rick are a wonderful example to me of finding the positive aspects of being thrown into a totally different atmosphere. The "seven layers" of the Chatfield family are difficult to swallow sometimes, but these boys have learned to wade through the treacherous waters and have found camaraderie in it.

The boys have decided that they are going to have final say on the boys who will come into the family; apparently fine Mexican dining and frisbee will be involved in the selection process. Apparently the boys do not want their perfectly-balanced symbiosis ruined by a guy who does not fit the qualifications.

Now, Caleb and Rick are geographically separated. I can tell a difference in Caleb, as sometimes he just needs a guy around and needs me to be entertained in the meantime; Rick and Shelley fit this model perfectly. Even if he says that he disagrees, I think that Caleb would enjoy living next to all of my family just so he could hang out with Rick.

I like these boys. I'm glad that they're going to stay around.

How My Mind Operates, or Why I Am Too Dangerous to Play Sports

2008-12-01T16:04:00.000-08:00

Today was the beginning of the grand Make Every Day a Celebration week. I had planned on celebrating by having an impromptu solo dance party here in the basement, but those plans fell through when I got a bout of the grumpies. Luckily for me and unfortunately for her, Whitney called and asked if we could postpone the experiment one day, as she had received some bad news earlier in the day.

Now, I'm not the commissioner of Celebration week, but I figure that if both people (and maybe Julie?) in the experiment are unwilling participants, then it is perfectly fine to put it off.

So, there it is.

*************

Something I've been really concerned about for the coming months has not been changing diapers. It has not been late nights or changes in my social life.

Lately, all I can think about is how will I be able to whip my body into shape sans baby-in-my-guts. Initially, I was hoping that Santa would get me a Wii Fit that I would be able to do in the comfort (and embarrassment) of my own home. Unfortunately, Santa sent me a notice that this year will not be a Wii year. So, then I thought about how I've accomplished similar goals in the past and I thought about my beautiful, wonderful treadmill. That's sitting in storage. And has nowhere to even remotely call home in this basement. My thoughts then turned to utilizing the outdoors; this has always been somewhat of an embarrassment to me, since I turn SEVERELY red with any kind of physical exertion. But, maybe with a baby stroller and a cute baby, I'd be able to stave off the fear of judgment and hope that all the attention would go to the baby. Then I remembered - though it has not snowed yet, it will. Finally, my mind wandered to thoughts of the pool opening in the spring. I wouldn't mind doing laps in the pool, but do I really want to live with alllllll of this until the spring?

I'm at an impasse. A vain and First-World impasse.

***************

Even in fantasy football, the fact that I may lose to an opponent each week fills me with indistinguishable rage.

20 Days and Counting

2008-11-30T20:29:00.000-08:00

With added bonus - clean baby clothes.

My new wish? Getting a hair cut.

We're Just Racing Time...Where's the Finish Line?

2008-11-29T18:19:00.000-08:00

Hello, little crib! We're so glad that you're here in our bedroom and illuminated by the fancy lighting Caleb put in today. We're so happy you're being tested by all of the friends; we know Jack will be safe. And finally, we're so thrilled that we are able to have enough funds to get everything we need for the baby, especially you.

**************

Last night, Caleb and I were able to visit our wonderful friends Joe and Whitney. It's always an adventure to see them, and we always learn a lot of interesting things about life (including a trick where one picks up a book anywhere he is and just starts reading - I'm sure that widens your horizons really fast!).

Something that Whitney and I were talking about is making every day special. She was telling me that a blogger that she reads, who now is in pretty bad shape after an accident, was able to do that. We were both inspired by that, but I don't think Whitney expected me to be so inspired that I'd challenge her to do actually do it! So, here it is, I'm publicly calling Whitney out (though I've already done it in the privacy of her own home) - she and I are going to make every day special for a week, starting Monday, December 1st. I don't really have any particular plans for how to do this, but I really want to start finding joy in everyday life.

********

I've been a productive little bee today - did some homework, found a few screws for Caleb's lighting project, helped with the laundry, finished and gathered all of the Christmas presents going to Houston, found my Nat King Cole Christmas CD and listened the heck out of it, made a fancy new Gnocchi recipe (gnocchi=good, the recipe=meh) - and the night is still young. Booyah, world! Just because I feel like I can't breathe (thanks to a certain little someone making my guts out of whack and me fat) doesn't mean that I can't keep it real on a Saturday!

Dream (Sort of) Come True

2008-11-21T08:14:00.000-08:00

I have an all-encompassing love for the BYU mascot, Cosmo the Cougar. I'm not sure where it came from or how it got to such an out-of-control level, but it exists nonetheless.

I've always wanted to have my picture taken with him, and became green with envy when I heard that someone close to me had gotten to be close to Cosmo.

Yesterday, when Julie and I were exiting the Wilkinson Student Center, we saw Cosmo and Julie was kind enough to bully me into finally achieving my dream. I was hesitant, because I knew I wasn't looking my best (hello 36 weeks pregnant!), but the opportunity was ultimately too good to pass up.

So, world, here is the photographic evidence. Now, my goal is to get a picture of Cosmo, Caleb and Jack and then titling it "My Boys."

Straight into the Woodchips

2008-11-17T17:06:00.000-08:00

In a very special document that is mine-all-mine, there's an allusion to how righteous my children will be. Lucky for me, it's a positive allusion, rather than a warning sign for the destruction they will cause.

And you know what? I believe it.

My baby absolutely loves sacrament meeting. Very nearly every sacrament meeting since I felt his first kick, he has rocked me not-so-gently. I used to think that it was the time of day, not necessarily the day of the week, until we totally changed wards and meeting times and places altogether. He still digs it.

And it's never caused me problems. Until now.

This past Sunday, I had a great morning. I accomplished all of my goals, ate breakfast at a decent time and remembered to eat before our 1 pm block. Things were going well until the Bishop got up to start the meeting. It was then that I had to arch my back, twist my loins, do anything possible to give the baby more room and less me to kick. Like a veritable punching bag, I was unable to get out of the way of my own volition. He follows me wherever I go!

I had made it to the musical number, after listening to a 2 month-returned missionary who served in Melbourne and still had a tinge of an accent, and the baby was still rocking my world. Then, my internal "ding!" set off. My body is nice and lets me know when I am about to vomit, giving me plenty of time beforehand to go somewhere appropriate. I stood up, scooched past Caleb and Grandma, and was on my way to the women's restroom.

As I pushed open the door, I saw that there were no available stalls. Typically, this would be alright, as I could meander around and wait to do my business. But, this being Sunday and all, the baby was still letting me know how spiritual he is and thus expedited the process. Not wanting to throw up in the sink, which was placed ridiculously far from the edge of the counter anyway, I walked out of the restroom and went to the only other place I knew I could find solace.

The woodchips.

The women's restroom is located right next to an entrance/exit. That entrance/exit is located next to some lovely bushes. Those bushes are located in a flowerbed filled with woodchips.

And woodchips are a)absorbent, b)cover up-able, and most importantly, c) my only hope.

So, there it was. Things were fine. I didn't notice any passersby. I revisted the restroom and washed my hands. I took a sip of water from the drinking fountain. Walked back into the meeting and found my place on the pew.

All the while, a not-so-tiny baby was letting me know that he can't wait to come out - he's got too big a spirit to be inside any longer!

And a Random Request....

2008-11-15T11:29:00.000-08:00

For any family members who read this blog, I was wondering if you would help me with a quest. I've been trying to get Grandma Chatfield to read our blogs, so I finally bookmarked all of the ones I know about on her computer. I want to make sure that any blog of interest is available to her, so here is the list I've compiled so far:

Holly Flanagan
Caleb Flanagan
Shelley Allison
Rick Allison
Julie Chatfield
Joelle Chatfield
Shyla Ahlstrom
Stacy Harward
Cari Dahl

If anyone knows of any others, let me know in the comments and I will add them!

Tim Hecht, You've Been on a Mission for 16 Months!

2008-11-15T10:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Tim!

I have been thinking about you and thinking about you - I loved the letter that you last sent to me, especially the Hungarian national anthem! Julie is always jealous that my letters from you are longer than her letters from you, but I always tell her it's just because you like me better. :)

We are only a month away from the baby's due date. I feel like a huge house walking around, though everyone else tells me that I barely look like I'm 6 months pregnant, let alone already 9 months! So, I guess I'll just have to believe them. Today, Caleb, Julie and I are going on a crib-buying extravaganza; I'm a little nervous that we won't find something we like, but I have to find something or else Caleb will get his way and let the baby sleep in the bed. And that's just dangerous! So, a crib it is. We are trying to get all of our ducks in a row now, since the days before the baby comes will be filled with finals and Christmas preparations. My mom is planning on coming to Utah on December 17th and then staying two weeks; that means she'll be up here for Christmas and for New Year's. We are really excited to be able to party with her! We'll email you when the baby actually comes though, Tim; we want you to be in the know!

School's also going fine; I'm starting to be a little too wide for all of the desks, so I'm having to sit on the edge of the classroom so I can sit sideways. :) Since we're nearing Thanksgiving (which will be your second one out in Hungary; crazy!), things are starting to wind down as far as homework and things are concerned. I'll be happy when we reach reading days mid-December, but for now everything is very manageable. Caleb's in a web design class, being taught by Shyla's husband Russell, and he's loving it. He's taken all of the other classes in this field, so this one is advanced, which worried him initially. However, he's really, really good at it and has decided that he would love to be a web designer as a real-life job. I'm glad he's finally gotten some idea of what he wants to do when he grows up, but more glad that it's actually something that he LOVES. I mean, since he's started doing so well this semester, he's basically stopped playing Conquer Club online and all sorts of other things. And, as far as my classes are concerned, I'm taking an American Novel class that is discussion-based and I love it. The teacher is also a creative writing teacher (which, I've always wanted to "write creatively" but I get too scared!), so he promised me a spot in one of his classes once I get back to school Fall 2009. So, all is well in the Flanny clan, school-wise.

How is being the big man in Hungary? I kind of hope you're not still doing office stuff, because I like to hear your other adventures too! But, do not worry, even if you're still in the offices, you're probably doing great things. I can't believe that you've been out for so long, and that you're coming back so "soon"! Caleb tells me that the last few months of the mission can either really drag on or fly by really fast, so I'm hoping that it's the latter for you.

We just miss you terribly and can't wait to see you again!

Very much love-
Holly

P.S. It has only snowed once so far, and it only stuck to the ground for a day! I would love to have a mild winter this year, since I don't want to fight the weather when it comes time to have the baby! Just thought I'd brag a little, since you are probably already covered in snow. I like you!

With or Without You

2008-11-08T08:59:00.000-08:00

Looks like Saturday posting has become my thing. Not such a bad thing, but my thing nonetheless.

I am feeling amazing this morning. Even though I was freezing last night after watching a flag football game, even though my body decided to start practicing for the Big Show, even though I have a pretty full day ahead of me.... It's simply fascinating how outlook and perspective can change the most mundane and pedestrian things into something new and shiny.

*****

When we were engaged, Caleb kept a countdown to two things on his phone: our wedding day and the opening night for "Transformers." Every morning, when he would come to pick me up for work, he would say, "Good morning - 55 days until we get married and 325 days until Transformers" or whatever the count was for that particular day. Pretty often, I couldn't tell which he was more excited for. So, when the first of the two days came, I thought he would forget about the countdown to the movie - I mean, it was our wedding day! But the countdown continued. And when the second of the two days came, I tried to gauge how much excitement "Transformers" gave him; we got to the movie theater two hours before the movie started, we sat amongst the Nerdy and the Weirdies, he gasped at every new sight of each robot in disguise. It seemed like I might have been wrong - there was no way he could get more excited about something than about this all-encompassing movie.

And then we conceived a child. And we found a countdown for it.

Caleb often tells me how many more days there are until Jack's supposed arrival. It was fine when it was triple-digits. A little more pressure was added when it slid into doubles. And now that it's closing in on a month, I'm starting to consider taking it down altogether.

Because with our wedding day, it was either August 4th or bust. With "Transformers," our tickets were dated and verified.

But with a baby? The numbers may as well be "???????? days."

Because I read yesterday that only 5% of babies come on their due date. Because I am getting bombarded with birthing stories. Late late comers. Super early comers. In the middle of the night comers. In the middle of grocery shopping comers. Because no matter what I do, I can't make a personal invitation for my baby to come at any other time than when he's ready.

So, I trust that those who know better than I do will be able to keep the situation under control while I can't.

And, for the record? I think Caleb's more excited about December 20th, 2008 than any other day in human history.

Mulitply the Tags

2008-11-01T20:11:00.000-07:00

Crazy 8s Tag

8 Favorite TV Shows:

The Office
30 Rock
America's Next Top Model
American Idol
So You Think You Can Dance?
Doogie Howser, MD
How I Met Your Mother
The Biggest Loser

8 Favorite Restaurants:

El Burrito
The Creamery on 9th
Bajio's
Rumbi Island Grill
Applebee's
Tucano's
Carraba's
Iceberg

8 Things that Happened Yesterday:

Took a French test - nailed it!
Dressed up as Juno for Halloween
Passed out candy to one set of trick or treaters
Watched a movie with Caleb and fell asleep
Went to my OB for my 33 week appointment
Tried to get strangers not to talk to me
Texted CHA-CHA to see when the average trick-or-treater goes out
Some random girl said "Bonjour" to me as I went to Caleb's office

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:

No more heartburn!
Eating Ghosts in the Graveyard
The smell of our newborn baby
Sleeping on my back again
Seeing our baby get so many loves from all of our friends and family!
The 2nd Annual Winter Photo Shoot
Thanksgiving weekend, especially the Dog Show
BYU basketball

8 Things I Love About Fall:

The crisp feeling in the air
Saying goodbye to miserably hot summer nights
Pumpkin pie
Football season
Seeing everyone in their Halloween costumes
Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade
Choosing Christmas gifts for loved ones
Looking at the beautiful Wasatch mountains

8 Things on My Wish List:

Nintendo wii & Rock Band
The baby to come after finals, but not too much after finals
A family compound where we could all live!
An El Burrito in Utah
10,000 hot dogs to eat
All-the-time motivation
To paint the basement
To meet Neil Patrick Harris

I'm Coming Home Again

2008-10-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

Walk down the spiral staircase and the Transformers welcome you to the newest Flanagan abode. They're even framed, to show how we like to blend classy and kitschy - or something.

Turn to your right to survey our finest offerings to the outside world, including scrapbooks, schoolbooks and a new piggy bank for the Jack fund. Also, our easy access to every key we own should be like an indication that we are always on the go (or that we like to make it easier for robbers and thiefs).

Quelle surprise! Caleb is aiding the proportionality of this space, as he is showing how luxuriously one can spread out on our couch. Enjoy our wireless internet and our comcast cable simultaneously, while lounging in your BYU finest.

A bird's eye view of the love seat and the bookshelf. Caleb so excellently made a photo cluster on the wall, featuring such classic pictures as Lively + Flanagan = Love, Holly & Megan See Maroon 5, and Caleb's Figure Skating Debut. Note the dirty cake pan and brownie pan on the love seat - we like to keep it real here at the Flanny Clan.

The office space is made up of top of the line used tables, Cadbury pen mugs and super old Holly posters.

And the bedroom, sans overhead lights, finishes the whirlwind tour of our home. The laundry in the corner will soon be replaced by a baby crib and the bump in the bed is Gunner the hippo sleeping in on a Sunday morning.

I'm Going to Do It, I Promise

2008-10-21T16:07:00.000-07:00

I am 50% "Oh no! I'm not ready for this baby to come! I hope he stays inside forever!" and 50% "I can't wait any longer! I don't care what his arrival will complicate, I'm ready now!"

And I'm kind of enjoying the duplicity.

*******

Even though I did not go to class today, I have been crazy productive. The laundry is done, the house is clean, I used a Bath & Body Works gift card online, and I wrote two papers. Plus, I'm having an amazing hair day; I've decided that bigger is better while my belly gets bigger. Anyway, after all of this, I'm still feeling hindered. I have a couple of things that are looming over me, and until I get them done, I'll feel quite a weight on my already weighty frame.

So, that's all I can muster. Just had to tell someone.

Saturday Afternoon is Best Used by Saturday Evening

2008-10-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

An anecdote:

Recently, when I've been chided by people for being a married woman who says other men are cute, I reply, "I just like boys, okay? I like boys so much that I've decided to make one of my own." Typically, the response is a mix of disgust/confusion.

But, booyah, you dopes got schooled, Flanagan-style.

*******

Thanksgiving is coming up (after Halloween and Election day, of course) and I cannot wait. Unfortunately, we won't be traveling anywhere (especially anywhere that dinner can be held outside), but I think it will be a very fun time for all of us here in the Flannyclan. By then, I'll be 37 weeks along (let's hope that Jack will still be cooking) and we'll be in the home stretch of fall semester. And, of course, we'll be eating some delicious food (wherever we will be this year) and have the added bonus of Julie!

You dopes just got parenthesised, Flanagan-style.

*****

I don't want to become a mommy blog, but all I want to do recently is write about my anticipations, my excitements, my terrified thoughts about childbirth. For now, though, all of those generalizations will have to suffice.

You dopes just got vagued, Flanagan-style.

Pictures As Promised

2008-10-14T07:21:00.000-07:00

Hello from Pregnant Holly. This belly you see before you is a week 30 belly. Of course, sometimes it doesn't feel like it, since I've had to convince someone this week that I actually AM pregnant (no, I'll never lie to you about growing a person inside me). I heard a rumor that I'll double in size before the baby comes, which I'm rather happy about. The only drawback is that it's getting cold up here in Utah, so I may have to leave the belly sans coat.

I wouldn't say that pregnancy suits me, because it combines two of my least favorite things: waiting and surprise (like, when is this baby going to actually come?). But, I will say that I hope that being a mom will fit me like a glove.

And also, hello from Father-to-be Caleb. He is usually a patient guy, but I think he can't wait to have another friend added to the family.

An Internet Phenomenon

2008-10-04T20:58:00.000-07:00

My friend is soooo interesting that she got two postcards on PostSecret this week. You'll never guess which ones they are!!!

Being Alive

2008-10-02T19:53:00.000-07:00

There are things that blindside you in life; at one moment, you're considering ice cream and baby clothes and the next finds you waddling in tears to get your husband out of German class to console you. No matter how close or how far you are from the situation, it pulls on you. And after all is explained, later that evening, you're still tender and not in any place to do anything responsible. Your laundry stays in the corner, your emails and phone calls remain unanswered, and wearing mascara doesn't seem plausible for the next couple of days. Aren't you glad you got ahead on some homework a few days ago on a whim?

And after all this, you realize that out of all the things in life that were weighing you down recently, the only ones that actually matter are the people who you love and who can lift you up the most.

I love you, guys.

For the Enjoyment of Others

2008-09-19T11:31:00.000-07:00

I've placed links to my old blogs on the right column over there. I know I'm not near half as interesting as I think I am, but I'm also not near as modest as I would like to be.

Maintenant

2008-09-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

There are three partially-placed things going on in my head right now:

I wish I knew enough French to only speak in French for a whole day. Though my teacher hates me, my French class has made me appreciate the sound of my own voice speaking this beautiful language.
Partial lyrics to "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morrissette.
Partial verses to the song "God So Loved the World" that is in the church choirbook.

An odd list, to be sure. But I guess it also speaks to how weird and long of a week this has been. On Sunday night, I had this feeling of dread for the coming week. On Monday morning, I set out to make the best of it all. On Tuesday afternoon, I told my husband that my brain and schedule were so overloaded that the physical manifestation had kept me home from school.

His response was, "Let's just take it all one thing at a time."

And so I have been. And things have been working out. And even better than that, I knew that I wasn't having to do this alone - the value of the "Let's" portion of that phrase became immeasurable as the hours turned into days past.

******

I am so excited to be below triple digits for the Jack Attack to come. He has gotten more exciting to be around lately - when he first showed up, it was like he was barely even here. But, just thinking about how in less than 3 months we might be holding the only First Child we'll ever have, it makes him more "here" than ever. We've amassed just a few cute things, but the real gathering of baby goodness probably won't happen until it absolutely has to. The thing is, that day is sooner than it feels like!

******

I am really looking forward to this weekend.

Week 26

2008-09-10T16:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Jack-

You've certainly had an interesting week, huh? This is the first time I've ever really had a set schedule, and it has taken some getting used to for you.

The very cute way you have been able to convince me to eat at whatever time has now had to take a kind of backseat that isn't really amusing to you. Because I have to wake up early, I go to sleep much earlier than I used to, which also equates to not eating during those sleeping moments. And eight hours of not being fed? That's pretty presumptive of me to do, right? So, when I wake up at 6 am, the first thing you compel me to do is eat a smorgasbord that continues for approximately 48 hours; but, your mommy is smarter than that, little guy, and I eat only as much as I can without wanting to throw up. And sitting in three hours of class after that? Pffff, you're not having that. I pack a few snacks so I'm not totally cruel and unusual, but it is cute how a British Literature lecture or a comment I'm making in my French class does not deter you from letting me know that you're not interested in anything else. You even kicked my hand off my belly on Monday! And the silliest thing of all is that in the evening, when I actually have time to cater to your whims, you are just so tired from all of the activity that you relax.

Speaking of relaxing, I think you're starting to like it when I keep it interesting and walk all around campus in the morning. It makes you a little more sleepy than you used to get when I would languish the days away this summer. You used to be predictable, but now you're becoming more like your father and digging the surprises of life. For me, the biggest difference has been how excited you get as I'm laying down for the night. I think you're quite aware that Daddy's around and we are a comfy, cozy family - there's nothing you want to do more, then, than to tell us how much you love us. Unfortunately, I'm the one who gets the brunt of the message. :)

Also, your Daddy can't wait for you to come. He has written on his calendar each day that he needs to work on his blanket so it will be ready for you both. He has taken to telling me how much he loves you, though he probably should just tell you, since you can hear him. The sound of his voice is quite exciting for you to hear - it's a good thing that he talks loud, huh? He worries sometimes, but I keep telling him that you are going to love him more than anyone in the world. I can tell, without even having seen you, that you are going to look exactly like him and probably need cuddles and loves just like he does. What better way to get them than from your dad?

We love you like crazy, so keep cooking and we will see you after finals.

Goo-goo Gag-gag

2008-09-02T16:50:00.000-07:00

I made a major mistake on this, the first day of school.

The actual school part was great. I got up at a decent time, got ready in a quick manner and found a good parking spot upon arriving to campus. I even made it to classes in a timely fashion, a feat considering I really wasn't walking too fast. I knew people in both classes, and I was especially happy to see some friends from last semester's French class. Afterwards, Caleb and I celebrated the first day of school with some Burgers Supreme for lunch.

The downfall and calamities happened once I returned home. I thought that I would come home and be productive in my refound collegiate lifestyle; my plans included laundering some towels and checking out some places to register for little Jack.

But.

I set the television dial to TLC and watched two episodes of "A Baby Story."

This is my first real experience with this channel and this program. I've heard many things about the show: it's addicting, it causes people to want to create babies of their own, it wrenches the heart in a beautiful, but aching way. So, now that I am paying for TLC, I figured that it was my turn to be enveloped by this life-altering show.

The only things that it alters for me, however, are my stomach contents and my lucidity.

While I agree that it is so wonderful to peek into the world of Just-About-Here babies and while I did cry at the thought of experiencing this for myself sooner than later, I also was reminded in a heavy fashion that even vicariously living through childbirth causes me to faint. I may have documented this fact previously, but today it was underlined when my big girl plans were diminished to couch-gripping and bed-burrowing.

I'm up-ish now, drinking some sugar-free pink lemonade and pondering food. But I think I may have to sit out of the Baby Story game from here on out. I have things to do, yo.

I Even Surprise Myself

2008-08-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

I ate cookies for breakfast today - oreos and peanut butter cookies. I am unapologetic.

********

This summer has been much better than last summer, for three reasons:

It was so great to have these three in town with Caleb and I; having Rick, Shelley and Julie around for adventures was just about the best thing that could have happened to a girl like me. Just to illustrate, who would have come over to help me babysit Baby James every week like this:

Or who would have eaten foil dinners with us at a moment's notice like this:

Or even attend a really great bridal shower, thrown by moi, like this:

Or, especially, start a brand new adventure that comes out with two baby boys at Christmastime like this:

The best times weren't even photographically-documented. Just chilling on a couch or talking on the phone about the latest and greatest. We have been really lucky to enjoy the beautifully warm weather outside and the wonderfully warm company inside. And I guess I didn't even realize it was happening until it wasn't happening anymore. I sit in my near-empty apartment with those three far, far away.

The only thing that makes the end of summer and the end of this era alright is that we don't have to have an end of being us - we all get to be together forever! So, enjoy California, you three, and I will see you again as soon as I can.

One More Time

2008-08-14T09:32:00.000-07:00

Miss Cari must know I love her, because I'm going to completely re-do my answers from the previous time I've done this meme. That's amore!!!
******

4 places I visit often:

The Chevron gas station on North University Avenue in Provo, UT
The ladies' room
Burger's Supreme to get a chili burger!
Joe and Whitney's, to borrow various items

4 people who call/e-mail, or text regularly:

My friend and editor Tammy, who has now started to call me Hol
Verizon Wireless, who texted me yesterday to tell me that coverage has been upped on North University Avenue
My dad; apparently he sometimes feels that I am his only link to sanity
hollyf@scrapbooktrends.com, because I forward work email to myself for extra reminders

4 favorite foods:

Currently, my cravings are hot sauce and rainbow sherbert
Lasagna
The cheeseburgers at the Creamery on 9th
Cantaloupe

4 places I'd rather be:

Getting an edgy haircut at a salon where hairstylists don't feel the need to talk to me
Swimming at Grandma's
At my OB's office, checking out my baby on an ultrasound
In my bed, instead of being on the couch

4 movies I'd watch over and over again:

The music video of Paramore's "That's What You Get"
A home video of 2 year-old Kellie being cute
This web video of a baby laughing at tearing paper - type in "cute baby laugh" in the search
The replay video of the US 4x100 men's relay winning the gold

3 bands/groups I like to listen to lately:

Estelle (check out the song American Boy - it's catchy!)
Phil Collins
The Olympic music that plays on NBC

The Best Two Years

2008-08-14T09:05:00.001-07:00

Now that I'm thinking on it, I've had some pretty good two-year runs in my lifetime. Obviously the first two years were great, since I had that baby thing working for me; though, I understand that I was frustrated by the lack of speaking ability. And there are a couple more instances where I thought things were going pretty well for me.

But I haven't had two years where I've grown more, loved more and created a baby more than these last two years. Granted, Caleb and I are nearing three years of knowing each other, but I think that beginning portion of our relationship was just fun and games (which are good, too!).

And the longer we're married, the weirder it is for me that I am the wife to this complex and incredibly loyal individual. Though I have an extremely loving family, I have never been loved the way Caleb loves me. He compliments me more than is even fathomable, he wants everything good for me in the entire world and is even almost physically pained when I am not near him. All of this is just strange for me to live with every day - but strange in the most wonderful way possible. I don't think I deserve everything that Caleb does for me.

The best two years.

*******

For our second anniversary festivities, we decided to take in everything Thanksgiving Point has to offer. Through the over-100 degree weather, we adventured to the Museum of Ancient Life (totally air-conditioned!) and checked out a lot of cool dinosaurs. Granted, our camera died about 7 pictures in, but we do have at least some photographic evidence of our magical trip.

I am not usually one for natural history, but the set-up of this museum kept me really interested. There were so many interactive things to keep me occupied; we even got to put on dinosaur costumes, at one point! My favorite fossil was the baby mammoth; it is estimated that the baby was about 1 year old, and even though it was just bones, it was so cuddly-looking! All in all, I was completely enthralled by everything this museum had to offer and I definitely can't wait to take Jack when he's a crazy little boy toddler.

*****

Someday, I'm going to convince Caleb to take me to Las Vegas for an anniversary and re-do our wedding day. Someday!

Every Single Tiny Thing

2008-08-10T18:57:00.000-07:00

This picture highlights a few things:

#1 - My long-awaited bump began to show itself (when unclothed) when I was 20 weeks along.
#2 - Even pregnancy has not afforded me an appropriately-sized bottom.
#3 - My belly is whiter than your belly.

Physically, I've been feeling great. Better than great, even. I have caught up physically enough to wash some cups sometimes and not gag at the movie theaters when smelling buttered popcorn. Another physical benefit is the aforementioned baby bump; though it hinders me when bending over, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I thought I'd never gain - I'm cooking a baby and now THE WORLD can see it. All of these things are wonderful.

But mentally, I've had a hard couple of weeks.

My tears have been flowing more freely, at happy, sad, and even highly neutral things. Case in point: Caleb took me to see the movie "Mamma Mia" on our anniversary (which was on Aug. 4th and it was awesome!!! Pictures soon). I liked it far better than an ABBA novice should, but a particularly touching moment was when the mother was saddened by the strange reappearance of three of her former lovers; her friends cheered her up by singing "Dancing Queen" and trotting through the streets of their small Greecian town. Cue the streaming of tears from my eyes as women of all ages join the Having the Time of Your Life parade and celebrate being a woman by jumping into the ocean from the pier. Keep my silliness in mind as you watch the Olympics for these next few weeks; I'm three-for-three in bawling at medal ceremonies and (N+1)-for-N at medaling events.

Work has been hectic, what with a few changes here and there. It's my most favoritest place I've ever worked, doing the most favoritest work I've ever done. But, I've been letting things fall out of my brain when I shouldn't. Tallyho to better things to come.

And...the idea that a person is going to shoot out of my body and then demand that I take care of him for his entire single lifetime (as I will set him free from my wishes when he is sealed to some other woman, with God as my witness!!!!) is starting to set in.

For all those who are deep in Holly trivia, the few times I've passed out in my life have been directly connected with giving birth. And there have been many more times, when I have been in a discussion of birthing or reading an account of it, that I have been near-unconscious. So, in steeling myself for the coming months, I've sought out stories of birthing and conquered them with only mere dizziness. And, an even bigger fear than passing out mid-push is my almost-acquiesence to some form of post-partum depression.

I know with a certainty that I went through a post-high school depression that lasted far too long and a post-wedding day depression that was only conquered by an incredibly loving husband. The two things that I have looked forward to most in life so far (becoming an "adult" and becoming a wife) were so frightening that I honestly felt like I wasn't going to survive to see my next birthday, let alone old age. And with this next big life change, I'll have another human being DEPENDING on me for everything. I won't say that my fear level is at Terrified quite yet, but I just hope that everyone in my life will be patient with me when it is.

Seeing as my whole life I've fought with some incredible demons (particularly Winning Disease and jealousy), I thought that maybe motherhood would calm me down a bit with that. But it hasn't. It's heightened it ten-fold. So, when will I become jealous of his first crush? Of that young men's leader he admires so much? What will I say to him when he takes after his father and beats himself up for not hitting the game-winning home run in softball? What if he does poorly in school? How will I help him? In fact, when I couldn't sleep last night, I gave my son The Talk. I'm so worried about my child's future with me that I praticed my birds and bees while he is still in the womb, just in case I forget what I want to say years from now.

And I haven't stopped thinking about yogurt raisins for almost 48 hours straight. I hate being a slave to my body.

And even with all of this, the blessing of bringing a baby into this world is only matched by the fact that I get to do it with my wonderful husband. I just want to keep it real with y'all.

It's a Boy!

2008-07-23T22:16:00.000-07:00

Anticipation Nerrrrrrves

2008-07-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

Once we rock, we don't want to stop
Not today or tomorrow

The next three days are going to be terrible for me. No matter how many kitties I save from trees or old ladies I help across the street, I'm still going to be a blathering psycho who isn't worth much until about... oh... 10:30 am on Wednesday. Why?

Because that'll be right after our ultrasound appointment at the OB/GYN. To find out which gender this baby is. And I'm an awful waiter.

I'm not really one for patience. I would like to be. I would love to be. But I'm especially not when it comes to the big things - Christmas, trips to Disneyland, seeing my baby for the first time. I'm starting to wonder if there even is a baby in there, because...

Yesterday I had three people be astonished that I'm even pregnant at all. At 5 months along, typically there's something going on in the abdominal area that tips people off that there's some serious baby-growing happening. But, maybe these people are just used to seeing a fuller, rounder Holly in every day life. Or, maybe they were just trying to be polite and make me feel as though I'm going to one day pop out a healthy baby without a trace of additional inches.

It made me feel as if I'm not working hard enough. Or maybe I'm not eating enough. Or I have this weird misshapen body that is somehow getting rid of vital organs instead of just crowding them around a little. I've even felt the possibility that maybe the baby doesn't live there anymore, like the little kicks I've been feeling in my lower right abdomen are just traces of a previous tenant who has now moved on to fancier digs.

But, Wednesday wednesday wednesday. That's all I'm waiting for.

We're coming back for more
You know why?
'Cause we want you
You know we should be together

To Tim Hecht, The Greatest

2008-07-10T08:47:00.000-07:00

Hi Tim!

You've been out almost a year, and it's blowing my mind. I was hoping that a year would go much faster than it has, but I guess that just means that I'll have to hold out the same hope for your second year!

The 4th of July was so nice!!! We were expecting triple-digit weather, but it was a beautiful 85 degrees all day. That made our plans way more fun, since we went swimming and barbecued at Grandma Chatfield's. The people who were there were me, Caleb, Julie, Shelley, Rick, Shyla and her husband Russell, and Grandma. And of course, you were there in spirit. It was very fun, but also really relaxing. After all of that, we went up to a place near the trailhead to the Y and waited for the fireworks at Stadium of Fire (which had Miley Cyrus, a.k.a. Hannah Montana, if that name means anything to you). We got there about 8:30 and it was VERY VERY windy; the fireworks didn't actually start until 9:30, but they were super beautiful. By the time they were over around 10:30, we were all exhausted! Overall, it was a great holiday.

School's been out for awhile, which has been nice, but also a little weird. You know how if someone has a lot to do, then they are really good at managing their time? That's how I feel, but now that I only have work to worry about, I'm kind of floating around lost. I am excited for more responsibility and more challenges in my life, just so I won't be bored :) I was worried for awhile about what I was going to do for school, with the baby coming on Dec 20th and school starting again in the beginning of January. But, I finally realized that I could do 12 credits all online. I'm SO excited to be able to keep going in school and also have a cute, cute baby helping me!

We are still getting together to have some parties in the week. The summer makes it kind of hard, because there aren't many tv shows or weekly occurrences that keep it regular. We make it work, though. I've started babysitting a 9 month old from my ward 2 days a week, and Julie and Shelley come over to help quite often. Also, we are watching a television show called "So You Think You Can Dance," which is like American Idol with dancing. And of course, every Sunday after dinner at Grandma's, we get together and hang out. Though, we haven't been playing nearly as many raucous games as we used to; it's really too hot to be crazy! It will be sad when Rick and Shelley leave, but that just means we'll have to replace them with some other cool people!

I am happy to hear that you are such a great missionary that you are the youngest senior companion in the mission! Whoa! And I know that you don't give yourself enough credit for knowing the language; your companion will be very happy that he has you to look to when he gets lost in Hungarian! And I wanted to tell you that I love the Hungarian you write in my letters; even though I can't read it, I still know it says such cute things!

You are so great and I know that even I'm being blessed by the good work you are doing for the Lord. Caleb and I love you so much and we will keep you updated with out crazy, crazy lives!

The Last Family Home Evening of June

2008-06-30T21:22:00.001-07:00

As inspired by a great friend, Caleb and I finally sat down to start individual "100 things to do" lists. We wanted it to be a mixture of fun and self-improvement, wishes and goals. I don't know why Caleb seemed to whiz right through his list (he's got just over 50 so far) and I seemed to go a little blank (I struggled to get to the high twenties), but it's an ongoing process that I think will be beneficial to us.

Some of Caleb's goals include "Rent a supercar for a day" and "Write in my hand-written journal every day for 6 months"; I think both of those are so superbly Caleb.

I had a few gems, such as "Punch someone in the face" and "Donate all of my Christmas gifts one year to charity." That wide expanse between purely selfishness and charity is something I don't know whether I should be worried or proud about.

We are very blessed to be able to make lists like this and not have to include things that pertain to our daily survival. Making goals is a part of what makes us better human beings and making goals that can aid others is what helps us become nearer to each other.

Triptych

2008-06-24T15:53:00.000-07:00

Flashing Lights

2008-06-24T15:16:00.000-07:00

They say that when you're having a bad day, all you have to do is serve someone else and feel better. While I usually don't remember this advice until my woe-is-me has passed, today I feel inspired by it.

My pregnant belly has decided that all food is yucky today and that any nourishment ingested will be immediately EXgested. It has also decreed that the baby is super hungry and therefore I am wanting to eat. And I've just come home from a lovely trip to see my Megan get married to her Josh, which means my real life has been waiting and waiting for me to come back.

But one more day off, my belly says, won't hurt because it's my time to be put first.

Bad day. A la the miracle of life.

*****

Sooooo, I've decided that I'm going to try to do very small good deeds for the people I love in my life. I'll list them here, just in case they're too miniscule for those people to notice.

For Whitney, since I understand that she's not very happy with me right now, I've decoded the mysterious Google Reader and added her wonderful photography blog to it. Google Reader may be awesome or it may just be, but I wanted to show her that it does matter to me what she says. Also, I've downloaded the podcast she suggested for me, though it's still un-listened to.

For Shell and Julie, I've brought some fabulous Disney treats that were still in my backpack. I have now moved them into the fridge, however, because they'll be much tastier that way.

For Megan, I'm not calling her on her honeymoon, though I am just bursting with curiosity about how being a married girl is for her. I know a few people made some phone calls to us on our honeymoon and now I'm trying to learn from their mistakes.

For old and new friends, I'm going to write letters tonight. Be they short or long, these letters will probably contain many of the wonderful things I think about them all the time.

And for my sweet husband Caleb, who had to suffer while I was gone, I've written on my blog. I know that he likes to see something new to read, especially if it comes from his wife's brain. I was blessed with good health long enough to enjoy his company last night and help him get a good night's sleep. So, being sick today is well worth it

***********

More Holly and Even More Holly

2008-06-11T08:45:00.000-07:00

Just a little "tag" that I got from a dear love of mine:

Four places I go over and over:

The Northridge Media office - I love work!
McDonald's - representing my husband's love for the McNuggets
Grandma Chatfield's - for Sunday dinner and other fun excursions
Redlands, CA - Visiting family and friends, and sometimes Mickey Mouse!

Four people who e-mail me regularly:

Alisha Gordon - a lovely friend and coworker
Paige Evans - also a coworker and homie
Smith Tix - updating me on every musical experience going on in Utah
Caleb Flanagan - He gets bored at work :)

Four of my favorite places to eat:

A&W in Mentone, CA - after a "visit" to the snow, this is the perfect place!
Carrabba's in Provo - There are multiple Italian courses, but after the first one, I'm usually already pleasantly full
Anywhere in Disneyland where they sell Premium All-Beef Hot Dogs
When my pregnant cravings tell me to eat something, anywhere where that food is happens to be my favorite place to eat at that very moment.

Four places I would rather be right now:

Disneyland
Relaxing in a hotel in Park City with Caleb
On the OTHER end of all of my deadlines at work
On a spontaneous adventure

Four people I talk to on a daily basis:

Caleb
The Baby Currently Cooking in my Belly
Whitney Hardie
Shelley and Julie - bonus! :)

Four TV shows I watch over and over:

The Office
So You Think You Can Dance
American Idol
The Today Show

Four people I’m tagging:

Shelley Chatfield Allison
Joelle Walker Chatfield
Shyla Marie Ahlstrom
Caleb Grant "Keepin' it Real" Flanagan

********

Soon to come: tales of a bridal sleepover party gone wild and a Kanye West concert gone crazy fun.

I Can't Today

2008-06-04T15:08:00.000-07:00

Taken from January 21, 2004 journal entry:

Yeah, I am wonderful.
I exude wonderful.
I enhance wonderful.
And make it into something so bright that even I can't look around and see what time of day it should be.

And I know that when I get in the mood for spewing thoughts and belching verbs, I should be writing or singing or making love. However, none fit the fancy and none supply themselves readily, so I contract myself to more mundane things.

Sending out the flat feeling that makes my joints buckle and my shoes velcro on this shiny night takes a lot more than just some elbow grease and a penny.

It takes finding that spot of moonlight where there is none other than Mr. Prince Charming telling me that the second star to the right may be closer than I think. But the future looks dim cause it's oh so far away. And maybe I'll find my fun somewhere else.

Or at least, I hope so.

********

There is always something that I don't have. Back then, it was a Mr. Prince Charming. And now that I do, I apparently don't have enough of something else. It's been a hard day that just got harder.

Hold Your Own, Know Your Name, Go Your Own Way

2008-06-01T22:13:00.000-07:00

I just embrace whatever comes.

And when I don't embrace whatever it is, I retreat.

I think I'm done with the phase of my life that has been happening lately. But I don't have anywhere else to go.

That just means more digging into my options.

******

And all I can think about right now is the coming of the baby. I don't really want to make time for anything else.

Our newest little downstairs neighbor is a 2 year old Dream Girl who I've been charmed by since she and her parents moved in. During sacrament meeting today, Caleb mentioned that she has curly, unruly hair and a round face like I did when I was young. I can see the resemblance, and it got me to thinking -

Caleb and I have been calling our little one "him" and "he." Because we are so focused on one boy name, we're just assuming our baby is a little guy. Caleb and I are not from largely-male households - quite the opposite, actually. But for some reason, we keep pressing on in the baby boy ideas. But now, with the pseudo-Baby Holly sighting, what if it's a girl? What will she look like? I keep hoping that my kids end up with my reddish hair and Caleb's calves. And I guess those two things are pretty accessible to boys and girls alike. So, I'm going to try to be conscious of the gender mystery currently unfolding in my belly right now, instead of jumping to silly conclusions.

******

June really feels like summer. So, I'm excited to really get started, get going.

Are the Details in the Fabric?

2008-05-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

So, I'm feeling super manic today.

******

Yesterday, I saw a commercial for Disneyland, which piqued my "I Need to Get Out of This Town!" blood vessels. So, I'm stomping around now, trying to think of ways to outsmart The Man and blow this popsicle stand.

What if we went to a Coldstone in Park City instead of the one down the street? What if I convinced Caleb that Vegas is nice this time of year? What if I convinced Kellie to fake a cold, so Caleb and I would have to rush to Redlands to save her?

And then I ponder on ways to get my mom to take me on a girls' day to Disneyland while I'm down in Redlands for the wedding.

You know, Mom was pretty excited when her picture was in Paper Trends in my mini album. And that picture was taken at Disneyland. So, if I can convince her that another thing like that will happen if we go to Disneyland, then it'll be a cinch.

I'm concocting all of these hare-brained schemes and I've convinced myself that they'll all work wonders, when Caleb says: "Even if you went to Disneyland, you couldn't ride most of the rides, thanks to the baby." Gah for logic. Gah for antsy-ness. But, mostly gah for the outside world being so dang tantalizing. Disneyland is still possible though - it always is.

*****
Lately, I'm addicted to three things: water, soft serve ice cream, and photography blogs. These two that I've linked are to super talented photographers; the first is Whitney Hardie (she's my friend! I know her!) and the second is Johnathan Canlas (who Whitney's interning for). I really recommend going to both if you're having a blah day, since their creativity will inspire you!

As for the other two things, they'll help you out if you're feeling thirsty and hot. Which, you know, is totally possible.

*****

Yesterday, I went on a totally fun adventure to take my friends Kileen and Gerald Smith to an interview for being on-site managers at an apartment complex. I just loved that they asked me on an adventure! After their interview, we all loaded up the car (including their baby Aurora!) and set off to Sonic, where I tried my first real juice slush. Hello! It was awesome. I just like to go off and do things I don't normally do, even if it's just a quick trip for an interview that I didn't even partake in. I hope Caleb and I get to hang out with them before they leave WHEN they get this awesome job. See? Positive thinking.

*****

I'm illegal.

A couple of weeks ago, I was laying on my couch in the morning, just pondering what is going on in my life right now.

Well, school's out. Work's going well. It's getting hotter outside, which makes it hotter inside. The baby's keeping it real, but the heartburn isn't.... Wait, what about Helen Grace chocolate peanut butter bears?

So, I google, find it on Amazon, order two boxes and charge that business.

The story, if it matters, is that Daddy used to sell Helen Grace candy for his school's choirs and bands; he would buy these chocolate peanut butter bears, which still strike memories in the hearts of Chatfield girls. And I bought some, on a whim, from the internet. I'm not a whim girl with my purchases, so after I did it, I kind of regretted it.

And then, today, the UPS man came while I was still in my jammies. He gave me this HUGE box, I signed and then he jingled down the stairs (dude had santa claus keys). I tear open the box, only to uncover quintuple layers of pastel-rainbow wrapping paper. And, there were the little boxes of bears. I've only eaten a few, so far, because I want to share. So, here's the call, I suppose. Come. And. Get.

New Place for a New Time

2008-05-26T14:07:00.000-07:00

Happy Memorial Day, fools.

And I know we're remembering the troops, but I'm remembering the past. Just a little bit.

Caleb and I are relaxing together at home; he's been a bit more productive than I have, which is why I'm putting together this here post.

Caleb's birthday came and went. It's weird to be married to a 24 year old, but it's even weirder that this 24 year old's wife is 23. Sooooooo..... that's where that leaves us. He has blown through the Star Wars books I got for him, but luckily I also got him a new set of scriptures which will take him a bit longer to finish. But, not much longer!

I get to roll down to Redlands in less than a month, to celebrate my Best Friend's Wedding. It'll be fun to do all of those festivities, but it will also be sweet to get a change of scenery. Provo is a great place to live, but it's pretty fun to go on an excursion every now and again. I just hope that it's not too hot for a pregnant girl! And if it is, then be prepared to catch me as I daintily faint. Oh yeah, like I ever do anything dainty.

Last night, Caleb and I settled down to watch "Sleepless in Seattle." He had never seen it before, but when it popped up on television the other night, he decided it was about time. I love watching that movie; I've always enjoyed how it makes me swoon and all that, but I especially enjoyed watching it this time because I felt like I know those people in my own life now - the people who are willing to do crazy things because they feel it's the right thing. And I really like that about them. Caleb ended up feeling like the movie didn't live up to the hype, but I can imagine that it's hard for him to feel uber-connected to a 15 year-old love story that includes 90's style and corded phones.

Things are great.

Bigger and Better

2008-04-26T17:40:00.000-07:00

So, I've moved over to

t h e f l a n n y c l a n . b l o g s p o t . c o m

(without all the spaces, which were added to thwart evil-doers).

Check it out!

An Unfortunate Series of Events

2008-04-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

The time has come.

Most recently, many of my posts have been getting spam comments that lead to virus-causing websites.

But I realize that this blog is the target. Not me.

So, I'm moving on from The Big Girl Bed.

I don't know to what, yet, but it will be broadcast when it happens.

Except to those stupid spammers.

I Wanna Be With You

2008-03-23T21:41:00.000-07:00

Hey, pals.

This is late notice. And it's after much nagging.

Birthday List

This cool t-shirt in XL
A great cookbook like this one
The only soundtrack that I could listen to over and over
An adorable bag like this
Plastic money for this hip place
Everyone in my life to have an amazing experience.

Yep. I have been wracking my brain for weeks now just to come up with that list. Shows you how content I am with my possessions and my place in life.

That is a Fact, Jack

2008-03-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

I'm just coming to grips with my emotional side, I think.

That occurred to me as my pout came out after my French teacher forgot to add me to the class email she sent over the weekend.

Which isn't really that big of a deal.

So, it is all good. Change, baby, change!

****

As for the birthday, some have requested a list of things that might be obtained in order to present me with a gift close to the 30th of March.

And I'm having a difficult time thinking of something.

Here's why.

All of the things I want this year are intangible. So, here's a list of them, just for example's sake.

A baby
More episodes of The Office
An increase in social gatherings during the week
The chill to leave Utah
For my teachers to be ultra-generous
Everyone in my life to have some mind-blowingly happy experience.

Does that help? :)

I'll come up with some more doable things. I promise.

***

And as today is St. Patrick's Day, Caleb and I will be celebrating our Irish heritage with green lemonade, green pasta roni, green mashed potatoes and green peas. Represent, sucka!
Other than that,

Slight of Hand and Twist of Fate

2008-03-16T14:37:00.000-07:00

I always feel like this is an inappropriate space for when I'm feeling down. Now that my readers are family and friends, I have an obligation to wear this happy-go-lucky all the time. And it doesn't always pan out that way for me.

So, be warned, those who come here for the happy.

***

I have been having a terrible time keeping it together recently. The slightest mistake throws me into fits of tears, the smallest hint of stress leads me to sheer panic. I am constantly crying. I try to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do productive things, only to fail miserably at them. All of this wouldn't be so bad, I guess, if there was something to look forward to on the horizon.

The things that are usually a pick-me-up just aren't.

My birthday's this month? It's on a Sunday, it's in the middle of two most-assuredly 40 hour weeks at work, and it's turning me to a boring 23. I'm not really even wanting a party, just so I can avoid having to plan or commit to anything.

School gets out in April? By then, I'll be so crazy busy at work that I won't be able to function; the summer looks hectic and bleak. And if something happens that I think will happen, I'll be even more depressed than ever.

Being social? I don't have time. I don't have energy. I don't want to weigh anyone down.

Megan's getting married? I feel a terrible disconnect, though I'm trying to stay involved. She's busy, I'm busy. And she's going to get married, with or without me.

The weather's nice? Well, it snowed this morning.

***

I'm happy to be alive. But I'm not too happy to live, you know?

So, I'm lost. And I wish that it didn't affect anyone but me, but it unfortunately does.

Save the Drama For Your Mama

2008-03-04T22:16:00.000-08:00

I love my mommy. I was telling a friend recently that I love to read her blogs, because she appreciate things and puts them into words on a level that is so refreshing and fun. I also love to read the journals of her youth, because they are the only things more embarrassing than the journals of my youth! I hope someday that she writes a book or her memoirs or something, so we can have her thoughts for generations to come!

****

Let me apologize, first off. I have been trying to access blogger.com for two weeks now, but it would never load for me. I've had so many great adventures to share, but maybe this was a lesson in patience. Who knows?

****

GuessWhatGuessWhatGuessWHAAAAAT?! My best girl Megan is getting married!!!

She is marrying my best boy Josh!

They are getting married on June 21st! They are just the cutest and after dating for a year, they definitely know how much fun they can have for the rest of eternity!

I cannot express how happy and excited I am for these two, but more specifically for my best friend. I have always wanted her to have everything good in life, and now she is on her way to achieving it (after already graduating college and getting her dream job, natch). I just love her. And I am so blessed to have a husband who loves my friends and supports me in helping them whenever I can. YAY I'M SO EXCITED!

****

Other exciting (but not as exciting as the previous) news:

My new job is going swimmingly. We are moving offices tomorrow, which means we will be on a main floor instead of a basement and I will get to share an office with my favorite Alisha instead of being lonely. :)
School is rolling along.
I am loving my nursery job; we are now the sole leaders of 7 kids, which means a lot of multi-tasking and a lot more fun.
American Idol has started and I'm digging it.
Tim has been on his mission for over 6 months.
Caleb is a dream.

****

Also, as a point of reference, I got my hair dyed this weekend by the wonderful Roxikins. We went bold and it turned out like this:

I did it because Caleb got new stuff for his computer. And now I have new stuff for every day.

Caleb can't stop telling me that he likes it. And I can't stop telling people that it's darker than I originally intended.

Let's Have One More

2008-02-17T23:32:00.000-08:00

Yoga is a revelation.

I have always been weary of it, thinking it was kind of a lame form of exercise. I thought the people who practiced it were a little snobby and thought they were too cool.

But, then, on a whim, I decided I was ready to try it. Shelley graciously gave me a mat and let me borrow her yoga DVD this evening. I had taken a long nap this afternoon, so I decided to give it a whirl at 11 pm.

And I loved it. It was so relaxing and it stretched out all of my kinks. I don't know how much it will build my athleticism, at first, but the mental aid with make a tremendous difference.

My body is feeling rubbery and warm. I totally dig it.

You're My Fella, My Guy

2008-02-13T21:46:00.000-08:00

Yep, it's me. Your friendly neighborhood Holly.

I can honestly say that I have never been more excited for a Valentine's Day than I am for this one. There are no sweepingly romantic plans (save "Step Up 2: The Streets") and I've already given my husband his big gift (a new wedding band!). I cannot put my finger on what is keeping me awake like a child before Christmas, but it's here. It's in me.

Today, in my productive day, I've given myself a lot of room to think. Sometimes, I crowd out my thoughts with peppy music or inconsequential business. Today, however, was one of those days that I felt I could trust myself. I'm so pleased with the results.

The lights are all off in the house right now, my husband snoring through cinder block walls. This is the stuff of fairy tales, people. It's where happy moments are to be found.

Let Me Start All Over Again

2008-02-13T11:39:00.000-08:00

I'm in the middle of folding the whites. I stopped right as I finished the socks, so I could write this blog post. Right now. I am a slave to my whims.

This last week has been tough. I lost interest in school, work, friends, and life. Like, all I wanted to do was nothing and all I wanted to see was no one. Actually, it's been more than a week. But, the point is that after being confronted with some reality, I decided to re-evaluate.

Therefore, I have made list after list that has really refined where I want to be and where I want to go, rather than just seeing what happens. They go from "What do I want out of life?" to "How can I fit what I want into my day?" And you know I'd share them here, but they are just like me - bold and potentially offensive.

But, those lists have made me reconnect with life. And I feel really cool about that. I'm creeping along at building up, slowly making each day separate and worthwhile.

I can't do the positive when I'm holding on to the negative. Therefore, I'm going to start striking that from my record, too. I wish I could do that here.

And don't flatter yourself. I'm not talking about you.

Going, Going, Gone

2008-02-11T13:34:00.000-08:00

Yep. Haircut.

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

2008-02-10T22:41:00.000-08:00

Did I mention that any time my above or below neighbors turn on their bathroom fan, we can hear it echoing in our bathroom? I wish I knew who decided to shower in the middle of the night; I would go to their apartment, bra-less and bleary-eyed, and burst inside to humiliate them in their naked state. It sounds like a grainy, whining motor that indeterminately nags at me whenever it's on. And, to show how respect is really won, I have stopped leaving my fan on for longer than needs be. But, apparently the neighbors haven't gotten the message.

I've been thinking a lot about how I have been told that I go from one extreme to another. I believe that it would be more accurately put that I change my mind a lot, but with determination. I'm not much of a wishy-washy flip flop; if something is going to be believed, it may as well be full throttle. But, there are a lot of things to be believed, about myself and the world around me. So, with all the new information coming in every second, my former thought gives way to new ideas and new beliefs. And there lies the mysticism of my black and white lifestyle-I am always collecting the latest. And I want to conform to the latest, in my own way. I love the old parts, but I'm fascinated by the newest updates, especially by the ones that swing my way. All in all, though, I'm still the same me, no matter what I believe at any given moment.

Tonight, I said that I wanted to sleep the day away so it'd be tomorrow. And then, later, I said I wanted to stay up all night. How do people deal with those kinds of shenanigans from me? I'm exhausted, but I know I won't be able to sleep. I hope Caleb can sleep, though. It would make my life easier to know that I'm not causing him to have a restless night.

I've also been thinking about what it would be like to follow every whim one ever had. First off, that would be terribly draining. Secondly, it would be enthralling to see where your mind would take you. And lastly, it would be completely freeing. One can become a slave to anything, except oneself. When you're following all of your own orders, I wonder if it would lead to heaven or to hell.

Late night thoughts. Excuse me for them.

Forget about all of this. I hope you didn't even make it this far.

Checking In

2008-02-09T14:08:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I'm going scrapbooking in a couple of hours; I'll be there all night, and I'm pretty excited for the prospect of doing something creative. I need something to occupy my mind.

I'm one day late.

I decided that I needed to get out of the house, so Caleb and I kicked around Provo for an hour or so. We ended up at Dollar General, and I casually picked up a pregnancy test. "Just in case we need it," I said. I've vowed to myself that I'm not going to take it until Monday, at the earliest.

By then, I'll be three days late, which never happens.

And Monday's going to be a super busy day, which means I may not even find time to take it then. All in all, I am almost avoiding the topic wholly.

This has been the first chill Saturday for me in awhile. I didn't go into work, and I slept in. I took a bath when I woke up and then decided to watch that netflix movie I wasn't planning on watching. It was good; I actually liked it.

Did I tell you that the only thing I want for my birthday on March 30 is a sewing machine? I've decided that now's the time to start getting a working knowledge of sewing. The only sewing machine I've ever encountered is the one from the 1930's that my mom inherited from my great-grandma. It is a beast to use, so I've kept my distance.

I told you that I work a lot with excel now, right? I'd used it before, but only casually. It is one of the most impersonal computer programs, but one of the most useful, as well.

We might be moving in April.

The end.

-Holly

This is a Test

2008-02-06T19:53:00.000-08:00

10 years ago: I was in 8th grade at Cope, rocking the Vans shoes, being in love with about 8 different guys, and obsessed with everything Disneyland.

5 things that are on my to-do list tomorrow:
1) Actually get up early so I can do work.
2) Read the chapter in my theories book about Feminism
3) Edit
4) Do something unexpected
5) Wait for an unwelcome visitor

5 Snacks I enjoy:
1) Oreos
2) Chicken-flavored ramen
3) Movie popcorn
4) The new Arby's chocolate turnover - it's like pain au chocolat!
5) Orange juice

What I would do if I were suddenly made a billionaire:
I'd pay off the debt of everyone I love. I would follow that by doing things that would have created problems for me before I attained my billionaire status, all of them crazy and highly contemptible.

3 of my bad habits:
1) I'm a face-toucher
2) I don't take criticism. At all.
3) I am apathetic sometimes, followed by emotionally-charged mania

5 places I have lived:
1) Redlands, CA
2) Provo, UT
3) Elk Point, SD

5 jobs that I have had:
1) Cleaning the Bishops' house
2) Jose's
3) The Malt Shoppe
4) Instructor at Archiver's
5) Editorial Assistant at Northridge Media

5 Things people don't know about me:
1) I only know how to doodle one thing (a little grass hut on the beach).
2) Sometimes, I wish I didn't know English at all and only spoke French.
3) I dream of becoming a matchmaker.
4) I am petrified to play volleyball, thanks to jamming my thumbs so many times in high school.
5) I am making a conscious effort to not let my days blend into each other, but it's not working.

Everyone I know has been tagged, so enjoy the above information without dread of being chosen next!

Je ne suis qu'une fille

2008-02-01T20:55:00.000-08:00

Bonsoir, tout le monde.

Ici, je vais ecriver une petite poste.

J'ai un A dans ma classe de francais.

Aussi, j'ai un nouveau livre qui s'appelle "Twilight."

J'espere qu'il est interessant pour moi.

Je vais le lire ce soir.

100

2008-01-27T19:50:00.000-08:00

President Hinckley died today. He has been the president of our church and prophet of the world for most of my remembered life. And now he is with his sweet wife; I hope someday to know such a happy reunion.

This is my 100th post. I have been saving it for something very special.

This is quite special, indeed.

Don't Care How

2008-01-19T16:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, people say not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Though I know the origins of this old cliche, I sometimes find it hard to follow its kooky advice.

There are so many great and quality things that I've recently been blessed with. I just scored the best job ever and school is going well; these two things particularly have been bona fide miracles, as their timings have been testaments to me that I don't always know what's best for me. I've found that my life is following this lilting tune that gives me the high notes at the perfect time and the flowing chorus when I need a little break. I finally saw all of High School Musical 2 and the entire trilogy of the "Bourne" series. Even the frigid Utah temperatures aren't really bringing the old girl down.

And is my wont, I am still wanting more.

As I alluded to in my previous post, we finally got the maternity insurance that I've been waiting for. I have had the knowledge of how babies are made, but I didn't realize that when I got into the actual game that it'd be a crap shoot. We are literally in the Flanagan Casino and I am daily showing my whole hand as I push all my chips into the center of the table. And because there isn't a light that goes on when conception happens, I am coming back to the neon slots every morning with the hopes that today will be the day.

I just keep thinking that I'll be stalwart.

For those who have seen the Holly Throughout The Ages show, it shouldn't be a surprise when I say that the real story is that I am impatient. My mind is locked in to the sound of buzzing thoughts that are barely audible and I expect the world to stop while I am Getting This Done.

There isn't anything I want more. Why I am not currently visiting the ladies' room 20 times a day is beyond me. When will I be complaining about my back and crying over the three-legged lamb? I have never desired to be so ill and cranky and glowing in my whole life.

How very Veruca Salt of me.

Rock Me Gently

2008-01-12T13:42:00.000-08:00

The end of a crazy good week, y'all. School has been treating me like a champ (a smart champ, at that!) and I am liking work as much as ever. Caleb is just a dream and now we're covered for a huge exciting change! Life is so, so, so good.

(Nice to Meet You) Anyway

2008-01-07T08:32:00.000-08:00

Hello, First Day Of School.

While others are moaning about your return and even more are feeling the doubts of your familiar presence, I am trying to feign comfort. There are many things about you that are foreign to me.

I feel as if I am going to be a fake walking around Real Students. I know that I'll slip up and say something outrageous sometime today. And the worst part is that I'll be blind for awhile, seeing as I can't see a) without glasses and b) with the glasses I currently have.

You're scary, not just intimidating or daunting. You're terribly frightening and I hope that I will soon have other distractions that help me veer away from focusing on how petrified I am to wake up every morning from now on.

At least all of the new mornings won't be Firsts anymore.

We Never Learn, Do We

2008-01-01T21:25:00.000-08:00

My body does strange things sometimes. Be it the occasional eye twitch or joint cracking, my body is just reliable that way. Therefore, I was not afraid during my bath this evening when I felt like my heart was beating from inside my abdominal area. But it got me to thinking, if there really is a heart beating in my stomach, I had better get out of the bath before I boil it. So, I drained the water and let my tummy stop beating.

I'm doing much better now.

********

I was asleep by 11 last night. I didn't ring in the New Year, but I do feel thoroughly cleansed from last year; it was messy and grungy. Now I feel at peace and like everything is coming together. And with that, I'll say that my fancy bath bomb I got for Christmas is totally the bomb.

We Never Change, Do We

2007-12-31T21:34:00.000-08:00

It's a thrilling thing to look back on the year passing as another one is coming, full throttle. But, for me, it's a bigger event to look back on your life as a whole and to see where it could be heading. I think 2007 has been my best year to date, but I think 2008 has the possibility to surpass the rest.

I'm happier, smarter, more mature, and more willing to accept the consequences for my actions.
Ready to be an adult.

But excited to look back at the fun of yesteryear.

Everything That I'm Thinking

2007-12-29T14:35:00.000-08:00

I wish I could be petulant. I wish there was room enough in my life to go on tiny rampages and let everyone else deal with the consequences. If that were the case, I'd have a lot more open enemies, but maybe I'd lose a little perspective, too. And sometimes I wish for that loss of perspective, that void of knowing that the high school politics are just stupid games.

But, there's no room for that. I have to make big girl decisions and take care of my adult life. I get to realize that there is more to me than what I have now. And, I depend on me for my happiness.

I'm going to make the best of my situation. And I'm going to feel bad for anyone else who has decided not to do so.

Love is a Mix Tape

2007-12-24T00:06:00.000-08:00

My dad tells this story about my mom sometimes.

She was young, first married and first-time pregnant. My dad decided to be a dream and make his wife dinner; when things like that happen, it's usually a pretty fancy ordeal. So, my dad chose to make leg of lamb, among other things. And when the time came, my hormone-filled mom mourned the poor three-legged lamb in the meadow.

Suffice it to say she didn't eat it. Or at least, as far as I remember.

And because I can't sleep tonight, I keep thinking about this.

*****

My mom also used to tell us that certain things were "journal entries" in our lives. If something awesome happened or something once-in-a-lifetime happened, it was a journal entry. Or, at least a potential one. And as I'm re-reading my journals, I realize that I didn't take her up on that offer. Most of my super-important milestones have gone unrecorded. Sometimes that irks me, that I'll never quite remember what I was thinking on my wedding day or that fateful breakup the summer after my senior year.

The things that I did record, however, are still pretty cool. I know exactly what I was thinking during my first boy/girl dance in the 8th grade, I have each word recorded from my first request for a kiss. My first recurring nightmare is laid out in detail. And though I thought that I remembered all of these things, I realize that I don't have all the little details chalked in. The journal entries help fill in the flash.

So, Mom, I'll try to be better with the small things and even better with the big things.

There are many boys in my little journals, in hints; it's already pretty well-known. It's also something I've been thinking about. Mostly because Megan bought me the book Love Is a Mix Tape and I, of course, devoured it not even 24 hours after getting it. It's not a chick book, really, and it's not long. But, the whole point of it is that this guy remembers his wife who (spoiler alert!) has already died of a pulmonary embolism after 5 years of marriage through all the mix tapes they made for the 10 years they were together.

It has made me wonder if I could pour out a whole novel about my intense and lengthy affair with boys through words.

I mean, I wrote probably 5 pages of notes a day in middle school, right? And I kept all of my notes received in shoe boxes. Like, boxes under my bed. And of course, there's the introduction of AIM into my life. And email. And message boards. And blogs.

I could bang out 50,000 words easily about that. And probably make it halfway interesting. But, I want it to be a confessional. The point is that I want every past boy to be laid out, at his best, of course. I want it to be some final hurrah for those guys who need to be put to rest. And for those who are still alive for me, I need it to be this dedication of solidarity.

And I'm talking like this is going to happen.

******

And I'm going to try to sleep. It's just Christmas Eve Eve and I am already waiting for Santa.

We're Not Gonna Pay

2007-12-19T22:32:00.000-08:00

My heart is just bursting. And there is no reason for it.

We saw a crappy movie tonight. It's so stinking cold here. My Christmas shopping isn't done yet and I am considering just giving cash money instead of gifts.

I'm just feeling inspired because I have to. I lead a small town life and I usually have small town ambitions, being a wife and mother to people I care about.

But lately, I'm obsessed with three things: babies, not living an internet life, and being in a rock band.

My new ethnicity is currently Rock Star.That's all I can relate to right now. I feel like there should be some Rock Star club on campus that I can join and bond with my fellow Rock Star brethren. I want to get fake tattoos and just put them everywhere. My gut is telling me that I have this huge potential to blow the brains out of multiple sources if only I just put all of my restlessness into one huge EP. But I have no one proficient enough in rock and roll to guide my along my way.

And I'm sick of leading my internet life. There were times when the internet was all I had to keep myself sane, but I look back on those times and realize that there was a fine line between sane and complete BS. When I recently deleted my yahoo account, I was going through old emails for useful content and I got so mad at myself for years wasted, hearts broken. I knew better than all that. I was so hungry for attention and so craving of validation that I just left my heart trail strewn across countless virtual wastelands. I have set myself up for meeting these great people and then having them completely inaccessible in the real world. I've said it before and I'll say it again, all I want is to have all the people I love close enough to hold. And my stupid internet life puts me in touch with people I'll never really touch. I hate myself for that.

The babies? What's new with that, other than I'm taking my prenatal vitamins every day. The weeks are crawling by and the closer it gets, the less I feel up for it. My life is colliding into one massive a-bomb come January, so I want to turn around and back up into it, blindfolded. And part of that is to just skate into having a baby. All the other parts are going to be so hard, so I hope that karma and fate decide to make the baby part easy, initially.

*****

These things, these thoughts that flood my mind every second of the day, may sound daunting, dastardly, decidedly off-putting. But they are gunning me toward pushing the envelope and being That Girl. I've just got to get there. I've just got to.

Here's A Late-Night Letter

2007-12-16T21:50:00.000-08:00

This is all meta. Don't read this if that bores you.

****

One thing I've always struggled with was the here and now. The days gone by are best and the future kid holds so much more than I'd ever want or need. But the now? Eh, just give me tomorrow.

So, I'm never surprised when I feel anxious. The heart beating out of my chest for no real reason is something that has always frequented my life. It's never shocking when I want to get in a car and drive or take all that well-saved cash and blow it on bubble gum. And it's actually no surprise when I do those things.

I just am not in love with this moment. Or this moment. Or this one.

So, there are dreams I like to dream; they usually include blowing this popsicle stand and doing the unexpected. The solace I find in this is that I know that even if I did that, I'd continue dreaming about it. If I found myself on the other side of the world, meditating and serene, I would assuredly be wistful about days of deadlines and dishes.

My life is happy. My life is blessed. But I don't know how to deal with my restlessness now that my life is tied to another person's. There have always been consequences to my actions and there was never a carte blanche. Now, those consequences are bigger and my limitations are squeezed. All blissfully, but still there.

I just want what I want and I feel like I should get what I need. But I don't know what's best for me. A better question is who does? In my heart of hearts, there are a couple things I'm dying for.

And here I thought that this was a 48-hour bug. Eating me up inside now, I suppose. Just be normal, Holly. Get back to yesterday's normal.

Last Night, You Told Me Secrets You've Never Told A Soul

2007-12-16T16:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a day of being freezing, but ultimately of becoming a person that I want to be.

Free to Do What I Want

2007-12-09T13:19:00.000-08:00

I could totally be wrong, but I believe that my cousin Cari has tagged me to tell six interesting things about myself. And if I actually am wrong, I'll just be my interesting little self anyway.

1. Individually, I like people who amaze the pants off me and make me feel inferior in essentially every way, shape and form. Gives me some belief in the human race and doesn't leave me the entirety of leading the people to freedom; it's always nice to be able to pass the buck, throw it up, etc. My admirations lean to the methodical, the disregarding, those who work hard for the money and pull it off with ease. If you can bend your thumb back to touch your arm, I'm doubly impressed. When you get some of these ultras together, however, they instantly become a) the magic to end all magic or b) kids of the conundrous doldrums. How I am apt to hate large groups of splendid people. Then it's the realization that perhaps I'm inferior for a reason. In the social setting, they become a sound rather than a wall of it. Clique. Their outrageousness should stun us all to the walls, praying that we might get to touch them when we wait outside after the concert. More likely than not they're circling it up, telling jokes about catharsis and whispering about all the marvelous things they could be doing. These were the kids I knew/hated in high school. But person to person, they were a dream.

2. My first boyfriend once told me that I was the most attractive after a good crying fit. Thinking about my blotchy eyes and black tiger-striped face, I was baffled at his comment. Wiping a stray hair out of my face, he carmel-covered it by saying that it made me more child-like and humble; he said it was the only time that he ever felt like he could baby me the way he wanted to, because any other time I demanded control. That, and my eyes turn the most amazing blue. Every boyfriend after this has agreed with this statement.

3. Because I'm rather fancy, I love to express myself. I am struck by the amount of wonder that I can exude when I'm feeling wide-open-spaces inside. I've always felt wonder at things that impress me; not the puzzled wonder of a question unanswered, but an awe that makes me spread out on the grass and gaze at the sun until I'm blind.

4. I wish that I had a sign to switch on and off that indicated how I wish to be treated that day; like, some days I want to be held like a doll and waited upon and treated as though I were a tad of a plaything. Obviously, on other days I would find this degrading and disgusting, but for those certain days, it just seems to fit. I often have to battle it out between hardcore and arrogant. And arrogance usually wins.

5. Now, with all this relatively heavy material, you probably consider me to be an incredibly dark person. But I'm not; I'm really not. I don't think I could be friends with anyone fun unless I was willing to roll around in the snow or scream at the top of my lungs. I'm more fun than cotton candy and bouncy balls- combined. I'm a prankster, a heckler and a doofus. I sleep with stuffed animals and I have an Ariel the Little Mermaid alarm clock. If that's not the quintessential mark of fun, I don't know what is. I've been known to sing the wrong words to songs on purpose, play with sidewalk chalk and have candy fights. I dance in front of the mirror when I'm alone. I watch Bill Cosby and laugh my brains out. The most purely entertaining movie I've ever seen is a movie called Surf Ninjas. When I want to get out of a funk, I throw in my Spice Girls CD and shout the lyrics to "Wannabe." I look like I'm a pre-pubescent boy when I flip my pen around my thumb. And yes, I do think the word "poop" is funny. I am ridiculous, and that's important to know.

6. And Baby Holly used to live here.

Now, Shelley, Mom and Caleb are tagged. Do this or die!

A Preview of The Snow Shoot

2007-12-04T17:31:00.000-08:00

For a class of Caleb's, we had to have a photo shoot. It just so happened that we got our first real snow on the day it was planned. Here are a few that we took that day.

That I Ever Did Receive

2007-11-26T20:03:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was wonderful; Redlands welcomed me home and offered awesome inside jokes, wonderful food and deserts and best of all, my childhood journals.

I had been inspired by Caleb's previous journals to find my own and check out what crazy things I wrote as an 8 year old. So, when I got home, Mom helped me dig them out of the old boxes in the garage - it was a treasure hunt!

And after surviving a few brutal public readings and reading them through myself, my journals have inspired me to change a few things in my life. One of these things is really getting back to pencil and paper. This blog is wonderful for being accessible to friends and family, but it's terrible for actually letting the catharsis process work. So, I think I'm going to do that.

Make it Happen, Cap'n

2007-11-17T20:15:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow marks the first day that our church nursery will have all 2 year olds; it won't make too much of a difference, but it is still an exciting benchmark.

When Caleb and I went to his English Fall Social, we were able to look around the one of the newer buildings on campus, the Gordon B. Hinckley Alumni building. There were so many exhibits and plaques that taught so much about this extraordinary man; I appreciated so much how beautiful it all was. However, I saw one thing that I knew someone would be able to appreciate better than I would.

This is the Marjorie Hinckley chair that was dedicated to the prophet's wife before she died, for her commitment to strengthening home and family. I'd heard about it on campus and I had forgotten that it even existed until I saw it in this building. I didn't think that it would get any cooler, but then I read the plaque that goes along with it.

The last paragraph is the most touching, as it is a quote from President Hinckley at the groundbreaking of this building. It reads:

"There is only one thing that dulls the luster of this occasion, and that is the absence of my beloved companion. But she has on this campus a chair, which carries her name, and I now have a building. Maybe we could move her chair into my building and we'd be together again."

I had to take some pictures of these things because I knew my mom would appreciate it the most of all. So, here we are.

Also, speaking of taking pictures for people who aren't here, Caleb and I saw the perfect thing for our friend Natalia and we just had to take a picture of it. It is called the Aerogarden and I think she would love it. Therefore, Nat, if you're reading this, we're thinking of you and your green thumb in Provo.

You're Only 16

2007-11-15T16:05:00.000-08:00

I just wrote my first 600 words of the Nano because I figure that if I'm not doing my usual work schedule, I may as well do something. It's not the greatest piece of literature ever and it probably won't turn into the 50,000 word monstrosity that Nano asks for, but I at least feel a little accomplished.

Caleb has requested that we have a group photo shoot over the weekend; it will include friends, family and the perfect locale, wherever that may be. I feel like for this huge occasion, I should do something bright and shiny to make myself better, faster, stronger. So...

I wish, I wish, I wish for brown hair. The richer, the better. And some cute bangs.

Decompress, Holly.

The Score

2007-11-11T17:29:00.000-08:00

I'm overflowing. I was so diligent about posting and pondering and purveying and then all the walls came crashing back up again, so my thoughts have been bottled up. Now that they've turned into jelly, I've realized what a waste that was. So, here I am, spilling over

Also, there has been an ebb and flow with my desire to scrapbook lately. And now I am on the "do it do it do it!" portion of that cycle. But not just any scrapbooking; I recently got a book called We Dare You, which really is a great book about scrapping ALL the things in life, not just the foofy la la ones. I've already done a page about the difficulty of a particular part of blending two lives together [see: finances] and I have another, more controversial page in mind. Actually, now that I think about it, I have a few that I want to do. The point is, brethren, I have to grasp at this whim while it is around. Otherwise, I'll just be caught up in life soon, with nothing to show for it.

Obviously enough, this is the month of November. I know I said I'd be doing National Novel Writing Month and pounding out words like a crazy woman. But the beginning of the month held more important things, so I've abandoned the idea as a whole. Now I feel vaguely void in that creative area of my brain; must be why I'm itching to let it all out in other areas.

I know this might be spilling all the beans. It could be a crazy ordeal and start all sorts of mishaps. But I don't care. Here goes, home slice:

So, I talked to Caleb online before I went to pick him up from work on Monday; he was in a foul mood. I always have to decide how far in I want to pry when this occurs, so this time I was set to be as supportive as I could and asked the reasoning behind the pout.

He begins to tell me how upset he is at the Health Center and BYU insurance in general. I thought it might have been an overcharge or that they'd been harassing him in some other manner, but I was wrong. He explains that he had been in contact with them all day, trying to change our insurance to maternity that very day. Apparently that isn't allowed and the soonest switch comes winter semester.

All of this is a shock to me, as I had previously thought that maternity was not an option until January anyway. A good shock. A great shock.

He reveals that he's decided that he is ready ASAP for a baby. But the insurance is not.

So, two more months.

I'm very happy.

I've Always Had a Passion for Flashing

2007-11-05T17:40:00.000-08:00

Two names you go by:
1. H to the L.O.

2. Hollz

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. My wedding ring

2. A Shade shirt

Two things you would want (or have) in a relationship:
1. Fun
2. Understanding

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Have parties

2. Sleep in with Caleb!

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. A big family

2. A new fish

Two favorite pets you have had/have
1. Twinkles, a springer spaniel dog

2. Joe, my favorite guinea pig

Two things you did last night:
1. Rewatched the most recent episode of "The Office"

2.Watched Sportscenter

Two things you ate today
1. Count Chocula

2. A bean and cheese burrito from Bajio

Two people you last talked to:
1. My mom

2. My husband

Two things you're doing tomorrow

1. Meeting with an academic counselor

2. Teaching a class at Archiver's

Two longest car rides:
1. From Redlands to Yellowstone

2. From Provo to Elk Point

Two favorite holidays:
1. Halloween

2. 4th of July

Two favorite beverages:
1. Chocolate milk

2. Orange juice!

Two shows last watched
1. The Office

2. How I Met Your Mother

Next two places you want to visit:
1. Bartlesville, OK

2. Redlands, CA!

You've Got The Keys

2007-10-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

Caleb and I just came from a rousing Primary Presentation practice with some really cute and cool little kids. Caleb gets to tend to the smartest ever McKenzi (who decided it would be a good time to practice her grunting when she got the the microphone) and I get to have fun with our little Travis and Samuel. We are very blessed to have access to these sweet spirits; the best part about it is that they all know how to crack us up. Maybe one day we'll have a little comedian in the family!

***********

My first Saturday off in awhile; I was hoping that we'd be able to go to the corn maze or something similar, but anything could happen in this great fall weather. With the new addition of Transformers Monopoly to our house, there is the possibility that we'll be buying and trading Autobots until the early morning light.

Work has been going fine; I was alerted yesterday that we will be closing down for a week or two in January to take care of the gross, molded tile and carpet from the Labor Day flood, so I'll have to think of some great projects to keep me from being bored. Or, how about I just start school? I really love the people I work with and I hope that I won't be a bum and lose track of them when I stop working there.

It's amazing to me how much one depends on his or her body when trying to accomplish something. For instance, yesterday at work, my body decided that the muscles weren't needed, which made the remaining two hours literally drag. I even asked if maybe I could go home early, which everyone must have thought that I was pulling another one of my pranks, because they just laughed. Wherever this pure exhaustion is coming from, it should be explained soon. If it's mono, Julie's going to hear about it from me!I just want to be a warrior.

Please Bless Her That All Her Dreams Will Come True

2007-10-22T20:16:00.000-07:00

My hair is getting longer. I promise.

***********

Yesterday was our first time with our ward in almost a month; we had strep for a week and then General and Stake conferences, so we were out of commission with the ward for so long. At any rate, I was stoked to teach our little nursery class and practice singing the primary songs for the primary presentation. Let it suffice to say that I was in a happy mood.

While we were singing the opening hymn, my eyes started to well up with huge tears. At first, I was convinced that I was just so happy to be there with my husband that my emotions got the best of me. Then, as my tears flowed through the sacrament, the first speaker, the second speaker, the special musical number and the last speaker, I was otherwise convinced.

The answer hasn't come yet, and while I pulled it together for nursery, I am still feeling the unexplained emotional power.

Yay for being a girl.

You make me somebody
Nobody knows me
Not even me can see

There are times when I feel antsy. Like now. There are times when I type "three" instead of "there." Like now. There are times when I feel inspired to be my very best. And my very worst. Being crazy is inspiring and being normal is welcoming.

****************

And my life is very good compared to most. I wish I could record all of the worst moments of people's lives, string them together and see who has the longest, most dreadful video. And when I had all the movies of the people that mean the most to me, I'd have an exclusive film festival showing the very best and very worst.

When all the popcorn is gone and the lights turn back on, I would want to turn to the viewers and say:

When you saw your life flash before your eyes, did it sting? When you saw others' lives, did it hurt? I know my life is good and I'm sure your's is too. Please hold on when it hurts and please remember that when it stings, your life is good.

It breaks my heart to see people I love struggle over grains of sand.

I Cannot Be More Crystal Clear Than How Crystal Clear I am Being Right Now

2007-10-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

My idle thoughts are crazy today - mellow songs from days gone by and classic wonderings about strange logistics. I wonder what it's like to have normal thoughts.

Yesterday, I made the best dessert ever on the planet, Ghosts in the Graveyard! I am super in love with this, as it blends the delicious Oreo and the charming chocolate pudding. The Chatfield family found this recipe in a Sunday newspaper clipping through a magical stroke of luck; our lives have never been the same after partaking it for the first time. I love the simplicity of the ingredients and the extreme deliciousness at the consumption of it. Love. Love love love.

I just had to share. Life is good.

You Come Swimming Into View

2007-10-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

I am a face toucher. I can't stop touching my face, even if there is nothing going on up there. There is no apology big enough that would make this weird habit okay. It's one of those things that definitely increases the oil production on my face and keeps me looking young with all that acne. Or something.

I'm swinging. Mood swinging. All of the inanity that goes on in my life is usually soothing; it gives me something to figure out and handle and problem solve. But lately, I am going out of my mind with how one minute, everything is cool and the next, I'm blatantly freaking out. Hello, early menopause! It may be that there are multiple Hollys just wanting more air time; the cryptic and seductive Holly must be put on pause for the extremely irritated and sensitive Holly. Or something. It is a vexing thing, if only because I can't pinpoint why all of this is happening. And at the moment, I don't feel too badly for anyone who has to deal with me. But, this is selfish and unfeeling Holly, so who knows how I'll feel tomorrow?

Today, I made and sent a cute Thank You card to the poor owner of the wrecked Ford Focus. I didn't know how to word "Sorry your car is totaled, but you were really nice to me," so I just made the card as cute as I could and basically put "thanks" inside. It's the thought that counts, which is awesome because it's the only thing that I put thought into all day.

Which, I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but Caleb and I went to the IMAX theater to see "Transformers" on the big screen. We went last Friday and had a fun time eating burgers before the show and sitting at the feet of alien robots during the show. This is of note because it was my last ditch effort to have Caleb see the movie in the theater one more time before the DVD came out yesterday. And yes, we now own it.

I will not waste tomorrow.

Rain On Me

2007-10-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm angry. I want to just to forget this day and skip to tomorrow. I'm tired of not flossing and I want to be the stunner that I feel like I used to be. All that I ever was is just floundering in pretty much an unending cycle of no laundry being done.

Don't worry, I'm not dressing up for Halloween.

We got boo'ed today, with cute rice krispies halloween shapes that have candy corns on them. A bright spot.

Oh, did I mention that I got in a car wreck? Had I stopped to get milk, that probably wouldn't have happened. The cop was awesome; he gave me copies of the info for the other two cars involved in the crash. Having this information makes me want to drive to the little child's house and bash in his mailbox. My car is fine, I'm a little tweaked in the neck and thank goodness the weather was good. But, I'm just ticked. My very first car accident ever turned out so fine, but it's a good thing I didn't get hit by a mean gravel truck; I would be suing the living daylights out of everyone involved! Car wreck, car wreck. Grrrr.

I can't stop being exhausted. No matter how much sleep I get, my body does NOT want to go. I stink. I'm terrible.

Find Your Dream Come True

2007-10-14T15:32:00.000-07:00

There has been a quiet stillness in the house. Most people would equate that to peace, happiness, tranquility; for me, it's almost boring.

I can't stop being me.

With the coming National Novel Writing Month coming up, I'm excited to put myself in yet another unfinished work. Last year, I was able to come up with a small amount of ideas before November 1st came; as for the here and now, I'm just going to fly by the seat of my pants and hope that I don't completely embarrass myself in the process. The only thing I can think of to do that would actually help me accomplish the 50,000 word goal is to write a bunch of short stories. I don't happen to be the most creative writer in the world, so one huge, whole storyline that requires a beginning, middle and end sounds too extreme for me. Now, if I cut that up into little sections that I could fill with witty anecdotes and poignant plot points, then I might just reach it. Might being the key factor.

Just give me one more chance to make it right

Say It Again: So It Is.

2007-10-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

Right now, I'm sitting, watching the BYU/UNLV game. It's the first one this football season that I've been able to see. There are a few reasons why I've missed out so much: I've been working, I've been otherwise engaged, the games haven't been broadcast on The Mountain. It's amazing how last season, I was so diehard and now I'm just a casual fan. I know the names of the quarterback and a few of the running backs and that's it; this time last year, I could tell you the names and numbers of so many more players. I also didn't really work on Saturdays ever last year.

What a difference 365 days makes.

Feeling hungry, even though we ate a couple of hours ago. Since the McDonald's monopoly craze has begun, Caleb and I figured that we should take advantage of our chicken mcnugget addiction and get some big money out of it. Therefore, I'm in charge of keeping track of all the little pieces, as well as entering them onto the virtual game board. I say all this because we had McDonald's a little before the football game started and it makes me crazy to have my body tell me it's hungry when I know it shouldn't be.

It is a big dream for me that my eyes don't eventually give out on me. They are just terrible already; usually I can at least fake it when I can't see something, but lately I've been feeling really hindered. The other day I left the house to go get Caleb from work, forgetting that I hadn't grabbed my glasses. By the time I drove the 4 minutes to the Joseph F. Smith building, I was tired of squinting and made Caleb drive home. I'm pondering whether it would be a smart idea for me (once Caleb gets a big boy job and actual insurance) to get Lasik surgery; I know that it isn't exactly necessary, since I don't need my glasses first thing in the morning, but it might save my life in case I need to drive in an emergency or something.

For what it's worth, I am enjoying the rain, though others aren't.

Someday, I hope that I get a new fish soon. My grief has subsided over The Warrior and I think that another fish would be a good addition to the Flanagan home. Every time we consciously visit Wal-mart to get another beta fish, they either are severely lacking in quantity or missing something in quality. The only thing I can think of that is holding us back is that the timing isn't right. Someday!

And it looks like we won't end up dressing up for Halloween.

I'm feeling like I was right about big changes.

You Want to Rock, Let's Rock!

2007-10-10T21:18:00.000-07:00

There are spiderwebs outside my back door. Also, ghosts with newspaper for brains.

YAY HALLOWEEN!

***************

It's interesting what happens when I'm not in the mood to do things. For instance, today, I was called upon to teach a small make and take at work; for some reason, I hadn't really gotten in the groove and I just wasn't really feeling peppy enough to promote a stamp press.

Which reminds me, I think my cramps may have lead me to a caffeine addiction.

Anyway, I knew I would have to push through these blahs, so I ramped up and decided to fake it 'til I made it. Of course, things went well (though not as well as most of my classes). I just can't believe that people are able to do things that would normally be against their will.

YAY BEING A GROWN-UP!

I want to be more productive and we might be going to Lagoon.

She Had So Much Soul

2007-10-09T12:26:00.000-07:00

I just wrote Tim a letter. A couple of pages long with a few P.S. notes on the back, it just reminded me of how much I love to love people. He was a very good boy and I'm glad that he doesn't balk at the thought of his ex-girlfriend's older, married sister writing him letters from half-way around the world.

Make them straighten up their hat
Because she knows they're soft

All is well in the Flanagan house for another day. I am going to put up the faux cobwebs and the sweet Halloween banner Mommy made me last year to welcome another October 31st. I love Halloween so much and I can't believe that this year we're actually going to the ward activity dressed up! It's just too bad that the little Wymount kids aren't trick or treating here this year; I may have to have our nursery kids come anyway, because I bet they'll be so cute!

I just turned up the heater. Holla!

Going back to the first thought, I am so happy to like the people I like. I also like to not like the people I don't like, which is definitely a drawback to my personality. I don't like it when people I like give me reasons to not like them. I also don't like it when people I don't like give me reasons to like them. I like familiarity and hate change. I like to be liked. I also like to be disliked.