Brave Old World

Today, under duress of hormones and guilt, I have decided that I will no longer be a burden to those around me. I cannot bear having any money spent on me anymore, without my giving back. I don't want to give others the satisfaction of me working, but I do want to get this terrible, terrible weight off my shoulders. If having a delinquent fish is not enough, I also have to have a husband who loves to buy me new sandals (however badly needed) and cereals that I like. It kills me.

Also, it has come to my attention that I'm getting the antsy vibe. Now that I've finished watching season 2 of "The Office," I have positively nothing to do. My mother told me that I'd be jealous of Caleb's jet set lifestyle when we got married; she was referring to my inability to go to school, but I think there is a much broader application to her wisdom. Caleb feels terrible leaving me alone when he's off doing school or work, and I've never gotten the logic of that, due to my obvious choice of staying home. I'm tired of waking up, only to take Caleb to school and clean up a few things around the house. I'm not meant for greatness, but at least I'm meant to give back a little. I would love to have been able to stay at the job I had all summer; I loved the people and the ease of the job. However, I have to get back out there and make (inferior) new friends and become the (inferior) new girl. Hate hate hate. But, necessary.

However, in all of this, there is a very quiet satisfaction. I won't just be the homework checker or the mandatory dishwasher or the frivolous party girl. Gone will be the days where I feel awful when my husband takes me out to lunch. I'll be working minimum wage at a job in Orem and try to find some meaning in that. I won't try to become one of the guys or gossip with all of the girls. I'll just finally be bringing something to my marriage other than drama. I think that will be nice.

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I have to have Shyla babysit The Warrior today; our student housing aides are coming around to check the smoke detectors and they would not like seeing a really handsome fish on our entertainment center. The Warrior should be nice to Shyla, seeing as she'll be at work while he's at her house. I put my finger up to the bowl yesterday and we bonded. I really like having some company around the house while Caleb is a jet setter. Silly, I know.

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It has been called to my attention that I do not have a halloween costume idea prepared; this is completely unlike me and I'm flogging myself as best I can. I've had a few ideas, none being of any real merit. I'd like to dress up as a couple, but Caleb hasn't really participated in Halloween since he was 12, so I'm having a touch time justifying to myself that he would love to start all over again. Princess Peach (or Yoshi) and Mario or a plug and a socket, these ideas tell me that it might even be a necessity that Caleb buckle down and have one night of fun. Then again, I don't think I've ever seen my dad dress up in a costume and Caleb probably hasn't seen his dad either. Maybe it's a married guy thing.

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I changed my Elvis calendar to October today, five days late. He's still young and handsome, looking in a mirror at his recently coifed hair. When a girl hasn't even taken a shower yet, seeing Elvis like this makes one feel like she'd be a failure even if she had a job. He's just so good looking.

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Carmen striptease DVD again tonight. It actually isn't scandalous and it's totally exhilirating.