Every Single Tiny Thing

This picture highlights a few things:

#1 - My long-awaited bump began to show itself (when unclothed) when I was 20 weeks along.
#2 - Even pregnancy has not afforded me an appropriately-sized bottom.
#3 - My belly is whiter than your belly.


Physically, I've been feeling great. Better than great, even. I have caught up physically enough to wash some cups sometimes and not gag at the movie theaters when smelling buttered popcorn. Another physical benefit is the aforementioned baby bump; though it hinders me when bending over, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I thought I'd never gain - I'm cooking a baby and now THE WORLD can see it. All of these things are wonderful.

But mentally, I've had a hard couple of weeks.

My tears have been flowing more freely, at happy, sad, and even highly neutral things. Case in point: Caleb took me to see the movie "Mamma Mia" on our anniversary (which was on Aug. 4th and it was awesome!!! Pictures soon). I liked it far better than an ABBA novice should, but a particularly touching moment was when the mother was saddened by the strange reappearance of three of her former lovers; her friends cheered her up by singing "Dancing Queen" and trotting through the streets of their small Greecian town. Cue the streaming of tears from my eyes as women of all ages join the Having the Time of Your Life parade and celebrate being a woman by jumping into the ocean from the pier. Keep my silliness in mind as you watch the Olympics for these next few weeks; I'm three-for-three in bawling at medal ceremonies and (N+1)-for-N at medaling events.

Work has been hectic, what with a few changes here and there. It's my most favoritest place I've ever worked, doing the most favoritest work I've ever done. But, I've been letting things fall out of my brain when I shouldn't. Tallyho to better things to come.

And...the idea that a person is going to shoot out of my body and then demand that I take care of him for his entire single lifetime (as I will set him free from my wishes when he is sealed to some other woman, with God as my witness!!!!) is starting to set in.

For all those who are deep in Holly trivia, the few times I've passed out in my life have been directly connected with giving birth. And there have been many more times, when I have been in a discussion of birthing or reading an account of it, that I have been near-unconscious. So, in steeling myself for the coming months, I've sought out stories of birthing and conquered them with only mere dizziness. And, an even bigger fear than passing out mid-push is my almost-acquiesence to some form of post-partum depression.

I know with a certainty that I went through a post-high school depression that lasted far too long and a post-wedding day depression that was only conquered by an incredibly loving husband. The two things that I have looked forward to most in life so far (becoming an "adult" and becoming a wife) were so frightening that I honestly felt like I wasn't going to survive to see my next birthday, let alone old age. And with this next big life change, I'll have another human being DEPENDING on me for everything. I won't say that my fear level is at Terrified quite yet, but I just hope that everyone in my life will be patient with me when it is.

Seeing as my whole life I've fought with some incredible demons (particularly Winning Disease and jealousy), I thought that maybe motherhood would calm me down a bit with that. But it hasn't. It's heightened it ten-fold. So, when will I become jealous of his first crush? Of that young men's leader he admires so much? What will I say to him when he takes after his father and beats himself up for not hitting the game-winning home run in softball? What if he does poorly in school? How will I help him? In fact, when I couldn't sleep last night, I gave my son The Talk. I'm so worried about my child's future with me that I praticed my birds and bees while he is still in the womb, just in case I forget what I want to say years from now.

And I haven't stopped thinking about yogurt raisins for almost 48 hours straight. I hate being a slave to my body.

And even with all of this, the blessing of bringing a baby into this world is only matched by the fact that I get to do it with my wonderful husband. I just want to keep it real with y'all.