Every Single Tiny Thing

This picture highlights a few things:

#1 - My long-awaited bump began to show itself (when unclothed) when I was 20 weeks along.
#2 - Even pregnancy has not afforded me an appropriately-sized bottom.
#3 - My belly is whiter than your belly.


Physically, I've been feeling great. Better than great, even. I have caught up physically enough to wash some cups sometimes and not gag at the movie theaters when smelling buttered popcorn. Another physical benefit is the aforementioned baby bump; though it hinders me when bending over, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I thought I'd never gain - I'm cooking a baby and now THE WORLD can see it. All of these things are wonderful.

But mentally, I've had a hard couple of weeks.

My tears have been flowing more freely, at happy, sad, and even highly neutral things. Case in point: Caleb took me to see the movie "Mamma Mia" on our anniversary (which was on Aug. 4th and it was awesome!!! Pictures soon). I liked it far better than an ABBA novice should, but a particularly touching moment was when the mother was saddened by the strange reappearance of three of her former lovers; her friends cheered her up by singing "Dancing Queen" and trotting through the streets of their small Greecian town. Cue the streaming of tears from my eyes as women of all ages join the Having the Time of Your Life parade and celebrate being a woman by jumping into the ocean from the pier. Keep my silliness in mind as you watch the Olympics for these next few weeks; I'm three-for-three in bawling at medal ceremonies and (N+1)-for-N at medaling events.

Work has been hectic, what with a few changes here and there. It's my most favoritest place I've ever worked, doing the most favoritest work I've ever done. But, I've been letting things fall out of my brain when I shouldn't. Tallyho to better things to come.

And...the idea that a person is going to shoot out of my body and then demand that I take care of him for his entire single lifetime (as I will set him free from my wishes when he is sealed to some other woman, with God as my witness!!!!) is starting to set in.

For all those who are deep in Holly trivia, the few times I've passed out in my life have been directly connected with giving birth. And there have been many more times, when I have been in a discussion of birthing or reading an account of it, that I have been near-unconscious. So, in steeling myself for the coming months, I've sought out stories of birthing and conquered them with only mere dizziness. And, an even bigger fear than passing out mid-push is my almost-acquiesence to some form of post-partum depression.

I know with a certainty that I went through a post-high school depression that lasted far too long and a post-wedding day depression that was only conquered by an incredibly loving husband. The two things that I have looked forward to most in life so far (becoming an "adult" and becoming a wife) were so frightening that I honestly felt like I wasn't going to survive to see my next birthday, let alone old age. And with this next big life change, I'll have another human being DEPENDING on me for everything. I won't say that my fear level is at Terrified quite yet, but I just hope that everyone in my life will be patient with me when it is.

Seeing as my whole life I've fought with some incredible demons (particularly Winning Disease and jealousy), I thought that maybe motherhood would calm me down a bit with that. But it hasn't. It's heightened it ten-fold. So, when will I become jealous of his first crush? Of that young men's leader he admires so much? What will I say to him when he takes after his father and beats himself up for not hitting the game-winning home run in softball? What if he does poorly in school? How will I help him? In fact, when I couldn't sleep last night, I gave my son The Talk. I'm so worried about my child's future with me that I praticed my birds and bees while he is still in the womb, just in case I forget what I want to say years from now.

And I haven't stopped thinking about yogurt raisins for almost 48 hours straight. I hate being a slave to my body.

And even with all of this, the blessing of bringing a baby into this world is only matched by the fact that I get to do it with my wonderful husband. I just want to keep it real with y'all.

Don't Care How

Sometimes, people say not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Though I know the origins of this old cliche, I sometimes find it hard to follow its kooky advice.

There are so many great and quality things that I've recently been blessed with. I just scored the best job ever and school is going well; these two things particularly have been bona fide miracles, as their timings have been testaments to me that I don't always know what's best for me. I've found that my life is following this lilting tune that gives me the high notes at the perfect time and the flowing chorus when I need a little break. I finally saw all of High School Musical 2 and the entire trilogy of the "Bourne" series. Even the frigid Utah temperatures aren't really bringing the old girl down.

And is my wont, I am still wanting more.

As I alluded to in my previous post, we finally got the maternity insurance that I've been waiting for. I have had the knowledge of how babies are made, but I didn't realize that when I got into the actual game that it'd be a crap shoot. We are literally in the Flanagan Casino and I am daily showing my whole hand as I push all my chips into the center of the table. And because there isn't a light that goes on when conception happens, I am coming back to the neon slots every morning with the hopes that today will be the day.

I just keep thinking that I'll be stalwart.

For those who have seen the Holly Throughout The Ages show, it shouldn't be a surprise when I say that the real story is that I am impatient. My mind is locked in to the sound of buzzing thoughts that are barely audible and I expect the world to stop while I am Getting This Done.

There isn't anything I want more. Why I am not currently visiting the ladies' room 20 times a day is beyond me. When will I be complaining about my back and crying over the three-legged lamb? I have never desired to be so ill and cranky and glowing in my whole life.


How very Veruca Salt of me.

You've Got The Keys

Caleb and I just came from a rousing Primary Presentation practice with some really cute and cool little kids. Caleb gets to tend to the smartest ever McKenzi (who decided it would be a good time to practice her grunting when she got the the microphone) and I get to have fun with our little Travis and Samuel. We are very blessed to have access to these sweet spirits; the best part about it is that they all know how to crack us up. Maybe one day we'll have a little comedian in the family!

***********

My first Saturday off in awhile; I was hoping that we'd be able to go to the corn maze or something similar, but anything could happen in this great fall weather. With the new addition of Transformers Monopoly to our house, there is the possibility that we'll be buying and trading Autobots until the early morning light.

Work has been going fine; I was alerted yesterday that we will be closing down for a week or two in January to take care of the gross, molded tile and carpet from the Labor Day flood, so I'll have to think of some great projects to keep me from being bored. Or, how about I just start school? I really love the people I work with and I hope that I won't be a bum and lose track of them when I stop working there.

It's amazing to me how much one depends on his or her body when trying to accomplish something. For instance, yesterday at work, my body decided that the muscles weren't needed, which made the remaining two hours literally drag. I even asked if maybe I could go home early, which everyone must have thought that I was pulling another one of my pranks, because they just laughed. Wherever this pure exhaustion is coming from, it should be explained soon. If it's mono, Julie's going to hear about it from me!I just want to be a warrior.

Just In Time To Save the World From Being Taken Over

I have a friend/co-worker who is due to have her very first baby on October 20th; her doctor says that the baby could come at any time and to be ready for it. Her husband is in Iraq until May and she works just as much as I do at Archiver's. The other day, she and I were talking about the possibility of doing a scrapbooking night sometime next month and she pointed out that she would have to wait to see what her babysitting schedule looked like.

It was pointed out that she doesn't have to worry about that kind of thing now and that perhaps it should stay that way - keep the baby in her forever until she doesn't have to be babysat anymore.

Later that evening, Caleb stated that he would like it if all babies were born 8 months old, because apparently that's when babies become fun.

It's obvious that at the Flanagan house, we have a skewed vision of what it means to bring a life into the world.

Let's go on a living spree
They say the best things in life are free

This weekend was supposed to be full of spiritual goodness and jammies, as it was time for the the bi-annual General Conference. However, instead, I worked straight through almost all 4 sessions. I caught the last hour or so of the Sunday afternoon session, which gave me goosebumps and all. Then I was able to go to Grandma Chatfield's for Sunday dinner, which made for some interesting conversation. I'm sure my husband will reference in his blog at some point this week about how I was (kiddingly!) mentioning his poor kissing skills.

I also referenced last night that when I'm having a bad day, it takes me 5 minutes to write paragraphs and paragraphs. But, today, it's taken me 45 minutes to write these few sentences. Guess that means it's a pretty good day.

To Somehow Attract Your Attention

Thoughts of you are tattooed on my mind
Let me show you

Something cathartic about this space. It's just something that helps me get it all out and feel light as a feather when I'm done. Amazingly enough, there isn't even that much to purge lately - the job's good, the house is AMAZING, the boyfriend is the best. The only things that I could contend might be giving me restless nights are my crazy, vivid dreams of burning passions and raging idealisms. I'm up, pounding out realizations in the wee hours, only to forget them at dawn.

Strange, strange.

********

There was a flood in my store on Sunday night. Water main burst, 5 inches of standing water, 2 inches of silt. A Holly cleaning crew Monday morning. Awesome. Something like that. At least it's out of the ordinary. Wouldn't it be crazy if the place you worked was perpetually flooded?

You and me, I can see us dying.
Are we?

This scrapbooking thing is getting to impossible-to-reign-in heights. I am compelled to scrapbook at all times of the night and day. Point - there are few pictures left to scrapbook (for I will never do the wedding!) and I am in this frenzy to create and here I am. No pictures. Plenty of frenzy.

Relax your mind
Lay back and groove with mine

I am a believer in karma, to a certain degree. It doesn't hurt to do good things and to put good things out into the world because those good things can only be returned with good. The bad things? Well, they are returnable, as well. And that is why people find things happening to them that are otherwise unexplainable. Why else would anyone lose their keys in a matter of seconds?

Can anybody out there feel me?
Cause I can't seem to find myself.

I don't know when I became a-feared of the doctor's office, but here I am, once again. Cavities! I could probably point out, on a toothy chart, where it hurts and how deep the pain goes. It's not a mystery thing that hinders my dentistry progress - it's the adult process. I can choose what to do now. And what do I choose? Being stubborn about chewing sweet things only on the left side of my mouth.

Dumb.

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Flight of the Conchords: Episode 4 has been downloading on iTunes for 4 hours now. Worth it?

What a hilarious misunderstanding.

Blooger.com

Work was work. The morning came too early and bedtime continues to be too late.

But one thing certainly did make today different.

When I called Caleb after I left work, he told me that we would be visiting one of his high school friends who is in town from Oklahoma. I asked when, he said tonight. I asked where, he said Highland. I asked how late, he said nine.

Here's the first difference. Nine pm is late to me; this hasn't always been the case, as I've been able to stay up until the wee hours of the morning, only to fully function the next day. But now that I'm old and married, the sooner we get to sleep, the better! This adds to my suspicions that I am growing a farty and prudish shell around my party-tacular self and I am more than displeased with that.

Second difference - When Caleb is around my friends or our neighbors, he's pretty chill. There may be the occasional Transformers outbursts or loud exclamation at a particular point in the conversation, but he isn't really ever perpetually rambunctious. But, when he is around his friends from his teenage years, he is a whole different Caleb. There are the "remember the times" and the sticking verbal jabs and the general ease that is missing in most other social settings. It was nice to see him in his natural element, catching up with all of his friends that he has been so loyal to for so long.

It makes me wonder what it would be like if he felt that comfortable around the people we hung out with now. I would probably have to compete for attention, which is not my favorite thing in the world. But, it's still a fun dream to have.

Third and last difference - I'm not a stranger person. If I don't know you, I won't really try to talk to you (unless I'm getting paid to - I'm looking at you, Archiver's!). It's just my thing and my style and heaven knows it scares me to death to do anything else. So, when I walked into a room of people I'd never met before (save one), I expected to let Caleb do all the talking and that was that. Caleb was even grilled on the way over, as to what the approach of conversation would be and how I could best add to it in a way that wasn't out of place. The point is that when I came in, I got so many hugs and so many kind words and questions that needed long, drawn out answers. Essentially, I felt like I'd known these people for years, just like Caleb.

It was a fun night all around. But, I'm still SO not a stranger person.

I Don't Sweat

After days and days of triple digit weather, yesterday brought 80 degrees and drops of rain to soothe our absolutely burning apartment. It was so awesome to have the sound of the air conditioner gone. I mean it. I love when the summer turns into thunderstorm central.

Since I last wrote, I've just been working and working. We got some new girls at work, who I love and pretty much everyone is back from their big summer vacations. I'm still thinking about finding another job and hoping that something will just turn up for me soon, but I don't want to risk not making enough baby money, whenever that baby should decide to appear.

Movies I've seen recently: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Ratatouille, Transformers, Grey Matters. Songs I love recently: Austin, Did You Get My Message, Do You, Lipgloss. TV Shows I obsess over: So You Think You Can Dance, The Office, Do You Know The Lyrics, Last Comic Standing. Talents I wish I had: cooking sweet dinners every night, being philanthropic, sheer will power. Things I hate recently: jealousy, people thinking I'm wrong, sweat, clutter. People I'm in awe of: Rachel Ray, Alisha, Caleb.

I'm really happy with how things are going and I just want them to go even better.

I Just Wonder

This picture was taken on a big, wonderful, awesome, perfect birthday extravaganza that was organized specifically for that cute boy in it. I took Caleb to Heber/Park City over his birthday weekend; we fell in love with those cities when we drove down Main Street months ago and felt right at home. It was the perfect getaway, filled with Spiderman 3, delicious pizza and jetted tubs.

I promise, it was the most flawless day I've ever had. And it wasn't even MY birthday.



Life has been going along at a pretty good clip lately. Everyone's hours are getting cut at work, so for the next three weeks I'm only working 3 days a week; this leaves me lots of time for potential housecleaning and scrapbooking, but it has evolved into chatting with Caleb online and dealing with the hot weather outside. I've started working on my 12 x12 scrapbooking and it's going okay. Working out on the treadmill has been going great and I feel better already; the only thing I'm nervous about is whether or not the house will get so hot in the summer that I'll be hesitant to make myself more hot on purpose. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it though, eh? I guess the biggest thing that is the MOST hilarious is a huge misunderstanding that I had with myself and my artistic vision.





Do you see this baby? Do you see the words that go along with this baby? Once upon a time, 5 weeks ago or so, I was convinced that I was pregnant. I was so sure, in fact, that I made a secret postcard for postsecret telling the whole world, since I knew Caleb doesn't want to reveal any pregnancy until he has had some time to adjust to it.

Weeks and a period later, I'm soooo not pregnant. But, nicely enough, someone commented on the website about my secret:

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, May 13, 2007 7:41 AM
Subject: Last postcard

I just found out yesterday that I was pregnant! Everytime I think about it I start crying with joy. You are going to be a terrific parent, see you on the playground!


That makes me happy for that new little mommy, even though I probably won't see her on the playground for awhile.



And, as always, The Office. The season finale is tonight and I've been having a lot of Office dreams. Last night, it was that I was Pam, and the rest of the Office cast was on the reality show "Shear Genius" and we were all making hair styles for figure skaters. My mannequin head started out with pixie blonde hair, but as I started styling it, it became long and brunette. Obviously, Pam had her final cut in my dream. Anyway, I hope that I will be exponentially in love with The Office tomorrow morning.

I Should Be Your Girl

Today? It's going alright. I've gotten some stuff done, some other stuff not done. I have been exhausted the past few days and I've been craving the cereal Trix. Guess who typically hates Trix? It all comes down to possibilities, I suppose.

My father in law had knee surgery today; he's home now and not so out of it, but my mother in law is pretty tired, seeing as she's had some sickness recently too. It's weird to think, in these situations, that there's no way Caleb and I can go visit them now, bring soup and cookies for the little girls. All we can do is offer support from waaaay over here. I'm not really sure how to do that, though.

This weekend was inventory at work; it wasn't really that bad, as it was fun to be in the store with my friends and not have to worry about taking care of customers. I was happy to see the district manager Noelle and even more happy to hear that she was holding a manager's meeting last night. I hope that things get sorted out and that the problems everyone has with Tracey will be remedied. And I'm working 8 hours on Saturday, much to my chagrin. Maybe I should have asked off, seeing as it's my first St. Patrick's Day having Irish heritage. But, with others doing the same, I'll work and it won't be a problem.

The dinner party Caleb and I threw at our house on Saturday turned out perfectly. There was nothing missing from it and nothing that detracted from its fun. Dinner was lasagna and dessert was Tollhouse Chocolate Chip cookies provided by the Dixons. It was the perfect amount of couples and the best possible ones, save Megan and Josh (Meg had to work and it was terrible). Something about being married and having fun married stories is great for a dinner party. The day after was daylight saving, which made 8 am church unbearable. All in all, a great night.

And now I have to fill out my bracket for the NCAA men's basketball tourney. I'm going to conquer all.

I Hate Change

I do. Good change, bad change, change that climbs on rocks. Whenever something happens in my life that I have to get used to or embrace, I'm put out and upset. And then I feel stupid for hating it so much, which makes me more stubbornly opposed to it. In the last 2 weeks, I can only think of two changes that I'm happy with -

#1: Megan's boyfriend Josh (everything she could ever want for a first)











and #2: That I am teaching more classes at Archiver's and actually achieving something there.












Other than that, I'm opposed. Obstinately. Therefore, I'll keep on being my old stubborn self and doing whatever until I feel like doing something differently. Hate. Change.

A Cleaner Point of View

I don't know what makes me want to keep it all in at the moment. It may be that I feel like my life isn't really in my control at the moment and it may be that I'm overworked and underpaid. But, all that I really know is that life has been kind to me and I may as well start returning the favor. Even if it puts me out of favor.

Work went well today and went by fast. That's always a sign that work might be better than average; I was helping people decorate picture frames all day and chatting with them to pass the time. I would make an excellent bartender and an even better politician. What with my matchmaking skills going to waste, I may as well find a better hobby to while away the countless hours. Bartending. It's something to think about.

Being an LDS girl, it's interesting to grow up and have life change so quickly all with one fell swoop. That of clothing (and underclothing), that of friends (and acquaintances) and that of all manners of discussion topics (and idle chatter). What I wouldn't give to be able to have my skin show at the bottom of my shirt sometimes and there are thousands of things that I could think of that are better to stand around and talk about besides what baby wipes are best for babies' bottoms and for cleaning up crafts. It's inane. And so is the feeling of elastic around my thorpex.

Plain and simple, I need to start doing things anonymously and then being upfront with myself. I know that's been a running theme with this blog for a couple of posts, but I can't seem to drive it home hard enough.

Another Boring Post

Today I worked for 4.5 hours at Archiver's; I know that doesn't sound exciting (and it wasn't!), but I got to work with two girls that I really love, Keera and Melanie. It started snowing right when Caleb and I got ourselves to school and work, so the snow scared everyone away from the mall. We didn't make much money at all in the 4.5 hours that I was at work, so the three of us girls got to work on projects and just have fun.

And Caleb took off work tonight, so we're going to reality TV it up and have a fun night. I hope it's fun, because tomorrow may be a very sad day.

Who Boosts the Boosters?

I can't wait to start the exercise routine with Caleb in the evenings. The past couple of days, I've been feeling the groggy spell around 6ish, no matter how much sleep I've gotten the night before. This must be the sign that I need that boost of energy; it'll be an interesting thing if I'm actually right and it does boost my energy. And no matter what, I can't wait until Caleb is home in the evenings, period.

One thing that drives me crazy about working at Archiver's is that for some reason, I feel like I need to be as creative and crafty as the other girls who work there. I am the only beginner and still learning the ropes, but I want to be as off-the-cuff amazing. So, tonight, I ordered 20 free Disney photos from snapfish.com and I opened my new Disney scrapbook and I'm envisioning amazing pages coming forth from my head. Something like that, something.

And I'm on the phone with Caleb, wanting to break out the old Carmen Electra workout videos. I'm pretty stoked about it, actually. Yay!

Tonight: American Idol!

Reflection

Going to school showed me that my whole reason for college was to get married. I know, the M.R.S. degree isn't going to really impress anyone (except the unmarried BYU co-eds) and maybe I'll go back someday, but Caleb and I haven't really talked about it recently. What I'm doing with most of my time is working at a scrapbooking store called Archiver's; I started out as a customer service rep, not really knowing anything about scrapbooking or caring to know anything about it. Now, I'm the media representative, going on TV to show news anchors and local daytime talk shows how to scrapbook and craft their way to glory. I still know nothing about it and don't ever do it myself, but I can fake my way for TV. Sometime, I'll put my spots on youtube and dirty up the internet even more.

Marriage is fantastic; we've almost been married 6 months and have it down pretty well. We are living in BYU married apartments. I work from 7-3 most days, while Caleb is at school and then he works on campus from 5-9. I haven't had to do all the wifey things so far; we never eat dinner together and we take turns doing all of the chores around the house. I figure once I start popping out babies, I'll probably take over the lion's share of it, but until then... Yeah, still the same. Caleb is great. That's all there is.

It Takes a Thief

Tonight, on "The Office," Karen is going to ask Jim if he has feelings for Pam still. I cannot wait to see how that'll turn out. And, on another Office note, I had a dream last night that Dwight and I were in love. When I woke up, I felt so....wrong.

Today is the last of my three days off in a row; it was totally awesome to just do whatever I wanted for these past couple of days, but I suppose I'll have fun going back to work too. Tomorrow is one of my co-worker's birthday, so I can't decide whether or not I should make a cake or not. The last time someone brought cake to work for a birthday, there was a pan debacle that lasted months!

I'm missing the California weather in this single digit Utah winter. I'm also coming to terms with not going to Disneyland for awhile, which is always a weird realization. Most people only go once in a lifetime, but I have become so used to multiple trips in a year.

And pretty much it's a regular Thursday.

Crash....Into Me

Today was another early day at work, so I'm feeling the groggy spells right now. I might just take a nap before Caleb and I go and see "Employee of the Month" this evening. How funny is it that I went to early morning seminary for 4 whole years and was involved in so many things and I still had a great time waking up at 5 am every morning. It goes without saying that now, 21 and married, that feat is harder to accomplish. Work was great and I'll never say that nothing good came out of working at a scrapbook store - I laugh a lot more now.

The Office did not disappoint. I would have to say that it was the best episode of the season, and that's hard to say, considering I loved "The Convict" episode. It was also super nice that Roxy and Julie watched it with me and Caleb; it's always nice to have someone appreciate what you love.

A Little Give

Let's not kid ourselves, I've been up for almost 45 minutes and I'm still angry that I'm out of bed. Usually, by that increment, I have resigned myself to the fact that I will be up for many more hours after this and then I putt around until I feel like it's a humane time to be awake. It could be the warmth of my bed, my cute cute husband still in bed or it could be that I'm not accustomed to going to sleep so early and therefore don't feel like I got enough sleep in the first place; no matter what the reasoning, I am sorry to be my co-workers today. I wouldn't want to deal with me.

Last night, I must have had a dream about my family and some holiday. The only reason I know this is that whenever I think about my mom this morning, I automatically think of Christmas, which automatically makes me think of some family rage. Those three things don't really gel in reality, but my subconscious rarely deals in reality, so that can be the only solution.

Working 8 hours still means I'm off at 3 today! Sick.

I'll Wear My Stunner Glasses

Here I sit, next to Caleb as he works on his Brit Lit mid-term, pretty much in a reminiscent mood. I'm not really into reminiscing about myself at the moment, but more about other people and how they used to be. I was previously looking at pictures from Caleb's mission and his high school career and I'm just itching for some more pictures. I can't wait to have my own digital camera so Caleb and I can reminisce years from now on this time.

Last night, late late into the night, Caleb and I put up our Christmas tree and decorated it. We took some pictures, which I'm assuming might go up here later, and we also listened to Nat King Cole sing some great Christmas songs. The end result is a sparkly Christmas tree and some extra white lights to put around our kitchen window! I can't wait until we all get to go up to Salt Lake to see the Christmas lights there.

Caleb and I started a new eating plan today that consists of eating only fruit or fruit juice until noon and adding tons of vegetables to every meal after that. Because it's the first day, we are finding ourselves struggling a little but, but I have faith that we'll find that we have a lot more energy and look a lot better after we do this for awhile.

Tomorrow, I am going to be on TV. Again. This time, I am going to Salt Lake with my boss Tracey to the KSL (the local NBC) station to talk about Archiver's Create-a-Calendars and how awesome of a present they are for the holiday season. I, myself, couldn't care less about the whole scrapping industry and I'm beginning to feel a little wary of going on TV to promote it. It is, however, a huge honor to be chosen from amongst the great employees and I hope that after awhile I will become more used to the personalities and chaos that surrounds scrapbooking.

I can't wait to go home to Redlands, feel the warm air and veg out on my old couch. We should make some fun New Year's plans and then follow our whims the rest of the time, but we'll actually see what happens.

Irreplaceable

At the behest of many, I am arrived and better than ever. Caleb tells me that I get better every day and I can't begrudge him that fact. I've watched a lot of Star Trek Enterprise lately, so I think that makes me a better star fleet commander and a better wife who understands all things trekkie.



Most of what I've been doing since I last wrote is work-related. I've been putting a lot of hours into Archiver's: The Photo Memory Store and I'm not going to lie - I'm a little sick of it. But, other things have kept me sane, like going to the BYU/Wyoming football game last Thursday. Fun times, for sure!

I promised Miss Shelley a great post, but it will have to wait for another day. Holla atcha boy!