Being Alive

There are things that blindside you in life; at one moment, you're considering ice cream and baby clothes and the next finds you waddling in tears to get your husband out of German class to console you. No matter how close or how far you are from the situation, it pulls on you. And after all is explained, later that evening, you're still tender and not in any place to do anything responsible. Your laundry stays in the corner, your emails and phone calls remain unanswered, and wearing mascara doesn't seem plausible for the next couple of days. Aren't you glad you got ahead on some homework a few days ago on a whim?

And after all this, you realize that out of all the things in life that were weighing you down recently, the only ones that actually matter are the people who you love and who can lift you up the most.

I love you, guys.

I Can't Today

Taken from January 21, 2004 journal entry:

Yeah, I am wonderful.
I exude wonderful.
I enhance wonderful.
And make it into something so bright that even I can't look around and see what time of day it should be.

And I know that when I get in the mood for spewing thoughts and belching verbs, I should be writing or singing or making love. However, none fit the fancy and none supply themselves readily, so I contract myself to more mundane things.

Sending out the flat feeling that makes my joints buckle and my shoes velcro on this shiny night takes a lot more than just some elbow grease and a penny.

It takes finding that spot of moonlight where there is none other than Mr. Prince Charming telling me that the second star to the right may be closer than I think. But the future looks dim cause it's oh so far away. And maybe I'll find my fun somewhere else.

Or at least, I hope so.

********

There is always something that I don't have. Back then, it was a Mr. Prince Charming. And now that I do, I apparently don't have enough of something else. It's been a hard day that just got harder.

An Unfortunate Series of Events

The time has come.

Most recently, many of my posts have been getting spam comments that lead to virus-causing websites.

But I realize that this blog is the target. Not me.

So, I'm moving on from The Big Girl Bed.

I don't know to what, yet, but it will be broadcast when it happens.

Except to those stupid spammers.

Slight of Hand and Twist of Fate

I always feel like this is an inappropriate space for when I'm feeling down. Now that my readers are family and friends, I have an obligation to wear this happy-go-lucky all the time. And it doesn't always pan out that way for me.

So, be warned, those who come here for the happy.

***

I have been having a terrible time keeping it together recently. The slightest mistake throws me into fits of tears, the smallest hint of stress leads me to sheer panic. I am constantly crying. I try to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do productive things, only to fail miserably at them. All of this wouldn't be so bad, I guess, if there was something to look forward to on the horizon.

The things that are usually a pick-me-up just aren't.

My birthday's this month? It's on a Sunday, it's in the middle of two most-assuredly 40 hour weeks at work, and it's turning me to a boring 23. I'm not really even wanting a party, just so I can avoid having to plan or commit to anything.

School gets out in April? By then, I'll be so crazy busy at work that I won't be able to function; the summer looks hectic and bleak. And if something happens that I think will happen, I'll be even more depressed than ever.

Being social? I don't have time. I don't have energy. I don't want to weigh anyone down.

Megan's getting married? I feel a terrible disconnect, though I'm trying to stay involved. She's busy, I'm busy. And she's going to get married, with or without me.

The weather's nice? Well, it snowed this morning.

***

I'm happy to be alive. But I'm not too happy to live, you know?

So, I'm lost. And I wish that it didn't affect anyone but me, but it unfortunately does.

Rain On Me

I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm angry. I want to just to forget this day and skip to tomorrow. I'm tired of not flossing and I want to be the stunner that I feel like I used to be. All that I ever was is just floundering in pretty much an unending cycle of no laundry being done.

Don't worry, I'm not dressing up for Halloween.

We got boo'ed today, with cute rice krispies halloween shapes that have candy corns on them. A bright spot.

Oh, did I mention that I got in a car wreck? Had I stopped to get milk, that probably wouldn't have happened. The cop was awesome; he gave me copies of the info for the other two cars involved in the crash. Having this information makes me want to drive to the little child's house and bash in his mailbox. My car is fine, I'm a little tweaked in the neck and thank goodness the weather was good. But, I'm just ticked. My very first car accident ever turned out so fine, but it's a good thing I didn't get hit by a mean gravel truck; I would be suing the living daylights out of everyone involved! Car wreck, car wreck. Grrrr.

I can't stop being exhausted. No matter how much sleep I get, my body does NOT want to go. I stink. I'm terrible.

He Could Kill All the Other Fish

Tonight, a great guy died.

The Warrior, my red beta fish, decided to rest at the bottom of his bowl, looking awesome against the clear and blue rocks. He has been sick for awhile and we knew that he was going to go soon. But, it still makes me sad that my totally awesome fish and friend is gone.

Caleb said that we could get a new fish, but I don't know who could replace such a cool fish with such an awesome name.

Moth Protomorphosis Disease

The last few days have been quite hectic. Let's just put it that way.

Last week was the first full week without our terrible former manager at work; we have been scrambling with our small crew and our lack of authority, but the mood has never been more calm and friendly. Ahhhhhh freedom.

Two days ago, after taking Caleb to work for the day, I got in a near collision with a driver turning left in front of me. I was so shaken, as it was pretty much my first ever disaster like that, so I called into work, saying I'd be there a bit later. I called Caleb and told him the news; we talked online for awhile before he said, "So, what if we moved into Apt. 424 today?" This apartment was in our quad, so we would still be int he same ward and know our neighbors. I thought it was harmless, because there was no way that Caleb would move right before our California trip AND when we were both working the next day. Unfortunately, I called his bluff and before we knew it, we had a key to our new place and two days to move everything and clean the old apartment. Wow. What? No.

But, it is all done now. I mean, our stuff in the new place is semi-chaotic and we have basically exhausted ourselves, which is a completely smart thing to do right before a big road trip. Wow. No.

A story that came from all this moving is the terrible tale of the Moth disease. We had just finished cleaning the old apartment and I was carrying Caleb's suit and rolling our suitcase along in the blackened night, when suddenly, from the left, a large moth flew into my left eye and slashed my retina to disable me. After that was so deftly done, he barrel-rolled into my cornea and then bit the skin below my eye to poison me. I did a Matrix move and dropped the suitcase, scooping the moth from my eye and throwing him across the quad. Immediately, I called out for Caleb, who was pretty far ahead of me. No avail. He did not hear me. And since then (like, 2 hours), where he bit me has been numb and when I blink, a sharp pain happens.

Is it deadly?

We'll see!

Didn't You Want to Know?

1. I can remember the time in my life when I have been insulted the most.

2. I do not miss hanging out with the people I used to hang out with.

3. I hate ending sentences incorrectly.

4. I am so much meaner than anyone in the world realizes.

5. I am tempted to use that meanness now, in one strong and vigilant direction.

6. I wish this Tylenol PM would kick in.

7. I find no fault in making assumptions about people, as long as I keep them to myself.

8. I am going to be blind and deaf by the time I'm 50.

9. Everything about working disgusts me.

10. I love my fish more than I love myself most of the time.

11. I want to be treated as an equal.

12. I am no one's plaything.

13. I never want to be treated like a baby.

14. I can think of more reasons to hate some people than I can to like them.

15. I think there is only so far that some loyalties can go.

16. I would have loved to live in Moses' time, because an eye for an eye is so much easier. And I am awesome at revenge.

17. I like to win.

18. I am good at winning.

19. If someone gets in my way, I am more likely to go over them than around them.

20. Having someone I dislike living so close means that they'll just feel the cool breeze floating in their direction even more. Yay.

21. I am happy to oblige when someone wants me to listen to them vent.

22. I can easily tune people out.

23. When I was on vicodin, I didn't really feel loopy.

24. All that I am, I owe to being a Chatfield and my father's daughter.

25. I am so tired of teaching every single damn class where I work.

26. It smells like KFC in my living room.

27. Most times, I never want to eat again.

28. I want to keep my hair up until it grows longer.

29. Me bald would be more beautiful than some girls on their wedding day.

30. I have been happy for a lot of people who have gotten together recently.

To Be or Not to Be....NOT

I will never be...

*A yes man. I will always have my own opinions and they will never be quenched when the time calls for it.

*Able to figure out everything. Try hard as I might, there is no plausible way for me to understand the world's workings. Go figure.

*Willing to tell my adult husband that he can't open the windows.

*A part of an organization that doesn't fit with my ideals and standards.

*An aider and abetter to those who are committing crimes against themselves and others. I have no time for this.

*An avid scrapbooker.

*A tyrant. Though I may be bossy, I have seen this quality in others and I am trying my darndest to keep it all to myself.

*A fantastic artist.

*Able to look some people in the eye again. Times change.

*Without the people I love and respect the most. Even though some may leave, I will always hold them in my heart.

Yep

I like to keep it here. Just like this.









Just like this. Like this.












Here, here and here. This is what I want.













The way I want it is right here.








Sorry to anyone else. Peace.

I Hate Change

I do. Good change, bad change, change that climbs on rocks. Whenever something happens in my life that I have to get used to or embrace, I'm put out and upset. And then I feel stupid for hating it so much, which makes me more stubbornly opposed to it. In the last 2 weeks, I can only think of two changes that I'm happy with -

#1: Megan's boyfriend Josh (everything she could ever want for a first)











and #2: That I am teaching more classes at Archiver's and actually achieving something there.












Other than that, I'm opposed. Obstinately. Therefore, I'll keep on being my old stubborn self and doing whatever until I feel like doing something differently. Hate. Change.

At This Point, It's Just Hating the Game

I have this savage cut on my foot that came from who knows where. And after picking up the house, I put on my red Steve Maddens because I'd so carelessly left them around from last night. Now, I'm strutting in 3 inch heels and showing off my wound to The Warrior. He's my fish. No one else is here to see it.

After an odd morning of waking up, reading, going to sleep again and waking up again, I was pretty rancid. I am glad no one was here to see me so rotten. A shower helped, plus exercising some demons and then I had an epiphany. Everyone's business is NOT my business. Though I like to imagine that I'm an actually helpful individual and an empathic one at that, I am batting .000 at keeping my heart from breaking. So, I'll love who I love and I'll hate who I hate. There will be wonderings on my part and there will be suggestions in my pocket. But few, if any, will know about them because, gosh dang, I hate being the fragile one. It's not fun or pretty to hear "don't get upset about what I'm about to say" or "don't worry about this one" when people AREN'T dying and it shouldn't affect me.

Therefore, if you're used to being gossipy with me or getting excited with me, you're going to start writing checks you can't cash. Out of luck.

Tonight is a new Office; I believe Ryan the (former) temp is taking Michael to be a guest speaker at his business school. That should prove to be entertaining, but the main event will be the Jim/Pam interaction that hopefully won't be ignored. We'll see!

I learned how to play chess last Sunday; I didn't get thrashed (thankfully), so I'm likely to play again even though I lost. Caleb was a very patient teacher and I didn't throw the game table in fury. So, that's one for the record books.

400 Level Class

A girl I visit teach asked me why Caleb and I attend basketball games (but she intonated all sports in general). My immediate response was "It's because we like competition," but I think it's a lot more than that. The conversation turned away from sports, but for some reason I can't stop thinking about her question. Caleb and I love to attend any sporting event; we have fun rooting for the home team and celebrating great plays on either side. There's something about feeding off the energy of the crowd and being able to turn to the strangers around you and high five and scream together. Also, there's always the potential to rush the field after a big win. All of these things are impossible when you're sitting on your bum at home, watching the game on TV. Besides, after all this proof, I just don't understand why one would begrudge someone else going to see a sport that they like. It's all just silly.


I haven't been feeling great the last 3 or 4 days. And, granted, I haven't been feeling 100% for awhile, but these past few days have made me really sick of being sick. Unfortunately, my specialist appointment was moved from today to Thursday, so I have to wait an extra two days to find out why my ear and head has been going crazy for so long. Until then, I'll just keep downing the meds and feeling guilty about Caleb waiting on me hand and foot. He is super, extra nice.

I'm so excited now that American Idol has started. It gives me something silly and awesome to look forward to and another television show to be obsessed with. I can't wait until the auditions are over so we can get to Hollywood week; for some reason, that is one of my favorite parts of the show. Yaaaaay TV.

I Punched My Husband in my Sleep

I'm kinda feeling like <----- this at the moment. Not like, falling down on the floor wretched, but just kind of down. This could be for a lot of reasons - the vacation being over, the never ending snow, feeling like a totally different (and sometimes worse) person than I was a year ago. A lot of that has to do with not necessarily working on the outside as much I was focusing on the inside this year. I worked on my spirituality, my caring of other people and being a better person. Doing that, I let go of the outside. Now, I'm sort of resolving to do better on that. If I make it a resolution for the new year, however, I might not make it; therefore, I'm only SORT of resolving. That's how I like it.

In order to do all that, I'm smoothing out my face, I'm getting a great haircut, doing other things that might help me out on the outside. But, I can't see the end result.

That's What She Said

Today started out kinda rough; I guess I don't know what to do with myself anymore when I don't have to work. I used to be so good at it, so what went wrong? Anyway, started out rough. Yes. But, I'm feeling better about life because I'm about to watch the Christmas episode of "The Office."

Yes, sitcoms fix everything in life.

I am hoping for a lot of Pam/Jim love in this episode, but I wouldn't mind seeing a full-out Toby episode. All Toby, all the time. I wouldn't be surprised if no one shared my opinion, but I can't help but root for the underdog and pine for the Human Resources rep. Yum.

If this episode lets me down, I will scream loudly and wait all of those weeks for the new one. It's too bad I'm so devoted that I can't boycott.

We'd Do Another Dance

Tonight, I'm feeling antsy. I can tell because every time I capitalize a word, the next letter following the capital is also capitalized. I really have a lot of nervous tension that cannot be cured by normalcy.

Caleb's doing homework at the moment and I'm wearing my Pam costume. It looks great. I would like to get a perm so my hair can be curly too, but I don't want to have to deal with it after Halloween. Call me crazy. Anyway, all of this sounds normal. It is! It is. And therefore I just want to brush my teeth and jump out a window. Go do something crazy. Buy me a plane ticket and I'll come out there to do your laundry. Or better yet, I would insist that we go to Atlantic City. So, just buy me a plane ticket to New Jersey. No, no, no. Don't do that. That all seems too simple.

I woke up from my nap tonight with that yucky taste in my mouth. Morning breath, but not. I ate ice cream, I ate pudding, I ate pasta. Nothing aided my insanely gross mouth. This is why I would brush my teeth, for verification.

Almost every time I close my eyes these days, I see the VH1 I Love Toys game. It's delicious, but a time waster. I often play it when I'm instant messaging. Caleb has taken an interest in it, which is nice. He always tells me I have a high score, even if I don't, comparatively. He does this because he doesn't know any better. However, I am curious to see what the highest scores of other people are. Maybe I could enter a contest and then win money because of my excellency; this would mean I wasn't wasting my time, just honing my skills.

My keyboard is thrashed on my old desktop. I often use the laptop, but I'm always amused when I get to use this keyboard. It has nail polish, hairs of all sorts, grime, filth, everything. And it's a Dell QuietKey, therefore being the noisiest thing in our house. That is, besides me. I've tried to clean it multiple times, but I'm afraid of getting electrocuted. As we know, it's not a pretty sight when someone is electrocuted.

My sister (a sophomore in high school) got cast as the witch in a children's theatre production of "Rapunzel." She is excited about the student director and the cast. I'm gald that she got cast at all, if only because it would have broken her spirit not to be. But, she's got talent and to not cast her would be a mistake. Therefore, she's cast, the ball is set rolling and another high school dream comes true.

My high school dream was to write something fantastic. I felt that I reached that, when I wrote a short one-act my freshman year at BYU. It's called "Small Talk" and is extremely full of bathos. The more I look back, however, I feel like I did my best writing on my blog, where I just set everything out on the table and added some touches that could have exploded in my face. And did. But, it's not like that's going to be recognized by anyone that really matters. And it's not like I'm the writer in this house anymore; Caleb has tens of short stories and a huge idea for a novel. He always complains about how he never has time to write anymore. I have the time, but just not the talent.

It'd be completely insufficient if I said that I wasn't happy. As mentioned previously, I had a bowl of ice cream AND a cup of butterscotch pudding. I heard earth shattering thunder tonight and I'm still alive! When Carlie called me about her play, she actually seemed interested in talking to me (a first). My costume is one in a million and the Mario/Princess Peach idea is timeless and therefore can be tabled. Television was good to me tonight, though Studio 60 is making me like D.L. Hughley.

Caleb just came in to ask me if I was bored; of course I said no, because I don't want to make him feel guilty for doing his homework. My mom told us, when we got engaged, that if I didn't go to school, I'd be jealous of Caleb's "jet setting" lifestyle, referring to how busy he'd be. To be honest, I'm not jealous at all. Besides the couple of days where I never make it out of the house, I'm completely fine with not doing homework and not having to deal with lame co-workers. I'm working on the latter part of that statement, being that hopefully soon I'll have co-workers. But, my point is that when my mom got married at 19 and had me exactly 9 months later, she married my dad, already graduated from college and teaching at a junior high, coming home at 4 every afternoon. She was jealous of his lifestyle and thought the feeling was mutual to all. Until I join PTAs and run the book fairs, I'll be happy NOT being a part of that.

My new favorite phrase is Shut....it. But, I'm going to try to work in Dinkum Flicka.

Narcolepsy

I couldn't sleep. It doesn't happen to me very often because I'm not a true worrier; I usually see that worrying has no effect on problems and therefore shouldn't make me miss sleep.

But last night I felt like I could sleep when I'm dead.

It's the job thing that got me. It's the not having a job thing, actually. Now it's sliding from the guilt to the no effect on society whatsoever feeling. If I make my husband bankrupt, then he should divorce me. But, if I don't DO anything with my life ever, I can't rightly divorce myself. What a creed to live by, huh?

Another thing is that in the two months I've been married, I've gone to church twice. This really outlines my devotion, though not in the way that might be perceived. Obviously, I'm not going to go to church, through sleet rain snow ice, but I really do like to be there. It's the new kid thing again; it's not so bad for the first two hours, because I get to be the new kid with Caleb. But, the last hour is the women and the men seperately. So, I get to sit next to either no one or a stranger. And of course, most LDS ladies are really nice and welcoming, but I don't want to be welcomed. I want to be the welcomer. But I can never do that if I don't go. I thought no one would notice (except Caleb, who has made it twice without me, making his grand total come to 4), but our upstairs neighbor commented to Caleb that we're "not really at church a lot." This didn't seem to affect Caleb, as he blew it off completely. He told me about it and I proceeded to go through about 17 emotions, none of which were rational. I've decided that she was just being kind, noticing our absence, but that is underlined with a steaming hot bitterness about judgmental people who should mind their own business. But, it was meant well, I'm sure. And it's not like I can go back and change the last two months. But, I don't want to be the new kid.

I finally came to an agreement about Halloween costumes with Caleb. It turns out that it was a money issue with him, which he never mentioned to me. We agreed on being Jim and Pam, though I'm not sure either of us fit the physical profiles. I'm excited to get new white sneakers and a pencil skirt and Caleb is going to get a light blue button-down. How we'll avoid the "you didn't even dress up!" scene, I'll never know. But, it's our first holiday as a married pair, so I'll allow certain compromises.

I'm considering the whole "work from home" option, if only because they seem to be so abundant. At least then I can be home when Caleb decides to be home. I'm really distrusting of anything like that, and I probably won't go through with it, but in job hunting online, I've found a ton. And I don't even deem it necessary to get the $150K they're offering. I can take like, a fraction of it.

Every Sunday, I'm addicted to postsecret.blogspot.com. I love people's secrets, even if they're strangers. I've sent in some of my own, none of them ever posted. I was even going to make some last night, but I don't want to make anything Caleb will find. They're secrets that no one's supposed to know!

My fish won't eat. When he was at my sister in law's for a night, she said he ate everything she put in his bowl. Every time he's in our house, though, he just lets the food chill there. This disappoints me, because the food is supposed to be color promoting; I would love to see my red betta fish even more red. And, I've never had a pet die that I've had to dispose of, so if he dies, I have to flush him! All of the guinea pigs I had were taken to the vet by my mom or buried in the backyard by my dad. Well, and when my dog died a month ago or so, I was in Utah, so I didn't even see her. All of this boils down to the fact that if my fish starves himself to death, I'll be really pissed.

Caleb expressed an interest in taking an IQ test. Now, I'm no dummy, but I am petrified to take an IQ test. I am almost positive that if I take one, I will be on the average end of the scale. This would ruin my self-image and hinder the growth of myself and my children. So, I've decided to let Caleb take the test if he wants and (probably mistakenly) believe that I'm nearing MENSA proportions.

My grandma has a dinner at her house every Sunday to which she invites all of the nearby relatives. This has happened since my freshman year, but a lot has changed since then. Grandpa died that first winter, we don't have pot roast every week now and there are far more relatives around. Not everyone comes every week, but since we are one of the only cars available, Caleb and I make it to every Sunday dinner. Usually, it's my two sisters, Caleb's sister and 3 or 4 of my cousins; however, any one of these people can bring guests. This typically means that two people might bring one person each. But since this school year has started, my cousin Diane has decided to bring 6 noisy 19 year old girls every week. This can be taxing on the ride situation, the food situation and the sanity situation. Grandma's house is really a condo, so it's not spacious. Grandma's kitchen allows for only about 4 people in it at a time. It's nearing the point where my husband might take Diane aside and tell her that she's broken the unspoken rule of guests at Grandma's. Even if he never gets around to that, I hope every one of those girls get hit by a train, because they dis Grandma's food every week. If you don't like it, then stay home! Sheesh.

I hope you didn't read all of this, because it was all the crap I've been thinking, none of it pertaining to you. I hope this is a great boring start to your great boring day.

Brave Old World

Today, under duress of hormones and guilt, I have decided that I will no longer be a burden to those around me. I cannot bear having any money spent on me anymore, without my giving back. I don't want to give others the satisfaction of me working, but I do want to get this terrible, terrible weight off my shoulders. If having a delinquent fish is not enough, I also have to have a husband who loves to buy me new sandals (however badly needed) and cereals that I like. It kills me.

Also, it has come to my attention that I'm getting the antsy vibe. Now that I've finished watching season 2 of "The Office," I have positively nothing to do. My mother told me that I'd be jealous of Caleb's jet set lifestyle when we got married; she was referring to my inability to go to school, but I think there is a much broader application to her wisdom. Caleb feels terrible leaving me alone when he's off doing school or work, and I've never gotten the logic of that, due to my obvious choice of staying home. I'm tired of waking up, only to take Caleb to school and clean up a few things around the house. I'm not meant for greatness, but at least I'm meant to give back a little. I would love to have been able to stay at the job I had all summer; I loved the people and the ease of the job. However, I have to get back out there and make (inferior) new friends and become the (inferior) new girl. Hate hate hate. But, necessary.

However, in all of this, there is a very quiet satisfaction. I won't just be the homework checker or the mandatory dishwasher or the frivolous party girl. Gone will be the days where I feel awful when my husband takes me out to lunch. I'll be working minimum wage at a job in Orem and try to find some meaning in that. I won't try to become one of the guys or gossip with all of the girls. I'll just finally be bringing something to my marriage other than drama. I think that will be nice.

***

I have to have Shyla babysit The Warrior today; our student housing aides are coming around to check the smoke detectors and they would not like seeing a really handsome fish on our entertainment center. The Warrior should be nice to Shyla, seeing as she'll be at work while he's at her house. I put my finger up to the bowl yesterday and we bonded. I really like having some company around the house while Caleb is a jet setter. Silly, I know.

***

It has been called to my attention that I do not have a halloween costume idea prepared; this is completely unlike me and I'm flogging myself as best I can. I've had a few ideas, none being of any real merit. I'd like to dress up as a couple, but Caleb hasn't really participated in Halloween since he was 12, so I'm having a touch time justifying to myself that he would love to start all over again. Princess Peach (or Yoshi) and Mario or a plug and a socket, these ideas tell me that it might even be a necessity that Caleb buckle down and have one night of fun. Then again, I don't think I've ever seen my dad dress up in a costume and Caleb probably hasn't seen his dad either. Maybe it's a married guy thing.

***

I changed my Elvis calendar to October today, five days late. He's still young and handsome, looking in a mirror at his recently coifed hair. When a girl hasn't even taken a shower yet, seeing Elvis like this makes one feel like she'd be a failure even if she had a job. He's just so good looking.

***

Carmen striptease DVD again tonight. It actually isn't scandalous and it's totally exhilirating.

You Can Vibe Without Me If You Want

My husband is sick today. Now, that presents many a sidetrack to the day, but not bad ones by any means. Obviously, we can't rollerblade in the park while talking about the latest gossip or finally take that road trip to Vegas, but we can still lead pretty normal lives. Or, at least, I can.

I'm not the one who's sick! He is!

He has to deal with the mucus and the atrophy that surrounds his being conscious. He has to do mounds of homework and get his booty to work. He has to focus on getting better while feeling worse about school.

It seems more appropriate to me that I be the one who is sick, because then I can lounge around all day, huddling closer to my blankie and OJ. I wish there were an option that allowed me to take his sickness from him and maybe even extend it by double, as the cost of shipping and handling. I'd be willing to pay the price.

***

I haven't turned on the TV once today. Probably an unconscious goal of mine, but still a worthy endeavor. Instead, I have been surfing the internet, avoiding phone calls from the neighbor across the way and listening to Mr. A-Z. The day never holds too much for me, if only because I don't really allow myself to make a full schedule. I could be one of those empty nest ladies who has lunch at 11 with the girls, followed by a mani/pedi and then working for some charity. But, the old hermit just doesn't want to get out of the house too often; this makes my husband weary of leaving me here for so long.

"I feel guilty for leaving you here all by yourself when I go to school or work," he says.

And I typically respond by brushing it off. It's my own fault, I know. I'm not being a great member of society right now and I'm not really doing anything to help myself or others. I don't feel great about it.

***

I've had the strange urge to do two things, recently. The first thing is to play truth or dare with a group of pretty daring kids; I can't even imagine who this group would entail, but it would probably end up being two rounds and then board games or something. The other, more odd thing (if there is anything more odd than a desire to play a party game) is to become friends with my husband's former love. He and I had a talk about what actually happened in her life when he knew her and I wanted to give her the biggest hug imaginable. She brushed him off for 8 years and now I want to give her all the love that he did, but more. The only explanation for this strange wish is that I feel connected to her through her past misdeeds.

I was there! I have felt powerless like that! Let me help!

But, there is no easy way to say, "Hi, my name is Holly and I know that I am having sex with your former best friend, but I feel like we should be BFF." There is no surefire way to maintain a friendship with someone long distance who could barely maintain a friendship with someone who she saw every day. I can't possibly find a way that would insure my newfound friendship wouldn't stir up old feelings for her in my husband. There is nothing I can do or say that would make my friendship with this girl a good thing or a right thing to do.

But I still want to do it.

***

I hope that my thoughts go out to no one today.