Dirty, Dirty Laundry

Here are all of the things that I intend to do every day:

• Finish the thank you cards from baby/Christmas - I am not a good thank you card writer. But after having been reamed pretty thoroughly over a period of time about being a terrible person if I do not send any, I have attempted to be more conscientious about them. So, in a fit of productivity very close to the birth of my baby boy, I wrote most of the notes that need to go out. All of them are missing important components, though - addresses, stamps, the correct spellings of names.And now they are sitting on the dresser - waiting, waiting, waiting.
• Organize my scrapbooking supplies - Ever since we moved into Grandma's, my stuff has been in a huge box stuffed in the storage closet in the outside hall. When I've needed to use anything, I ask my husband to take it down from its high height. And then I scrounge through this box until I find what I want. Afterward, the box sits in the front room until my strong husband returns to put it back in the closet. It's not an efficient system. It's not condusive to creativity. And it certainly isn't helping me get excited to make any baby scrapbooks. I need to remedy this. And yet, the entire thought process only makes it as far as, "Maybe I should do that today...."
• Take Jack for a walk - That's what mommies do, right? Put on their big ol' hoop skirts and push the baby down the avenue in his pram, right? But I always find an excuse to excuse me from this particular activity. Mostly it comes down to the frigid temperatures/ridiculously icy sidewalks. But this boy is rarely outside and honestly rarely sees out a window (thanks, living in a basement!). So, when he grows up to be a hermit, you know who to thank!
• Sew a quilt - I have some really great material that I want to get down and dirty with. I also am jealous that everyone in the world has  made Jack a blanket except for his own mother. Seems to be an easy fix, right?
• Do something special for Caleb - I know how much of a sacrifice it was for him to give up his all Holly, all the time lifestyle, so I often wish that I could have a romantic dinner prepared for him when he comes home or that all of the laundry/grocery shopping/housework could instantly be done in one afternoon. But I am constantly fighting for time to take a shower or eat a bowl of cereal, so this is always a pipe dream.
• Set up my 6 week post-natal appointment - This is just me dropping the ball over and over again.
• Decide upon an eclectic, yet affordable way to decorate this basement - Though the length of our stay is becoming shorter all the time, I get so inspired by the websites and magazines I'm constantly looking through. There is only so much you can do when brown and tan shag carpet is the thing you must decorate around, though. 
• Doing a home-made baby photo shoot  - I can only make memories of sweet cheeks and baby acne for so long. And though I don't really consider myself a great composition fiend, I think I can take adequate photos for picture albums and digital photo obscurity. Jack is precious; there's really no good excuse for the dirth of photos.
  
• Making the BIG decisions  - There is only so long that these can be put off.

And every day is instead spent delving deeper into the mysteries of VH1 and napping with my baby. Seems like an okay trade-off in the short term.

Express Yourself (and Life-giving Fluids)

Nursing has been incredibly emotionally taxing. I know that it's supposed to help me bond with my son, but all it really does is make me resent him every two hours. At first, I thought that it was because we weren't in synch or because my hormones were still making me emtional. But, it's been a month (yay, he's an old man!) and I still dread seeing the little sucking motions he does.

And I hate that because I love him. I just love him so terribly.

There are a lot of reasons I'm still sticking with it, though. None of them have to do with his health or mine, however. It's a mixture of outside pressures, the high cost of formula, and vanity.

Only 8 more months.

Listings

I saw:
* A baby come out of my body
* My toes for the first time in awhile
* My husband become a daddy in an instant
* So many nice people who came to see me in the hospital
* A little baby sleep through his entire first Christmas
* Jack's first tear on December 31st
* Snow falling in the middle of the night last night, but no new snow when I woke up this morning
* So many cute pictures of Shelley and Rick's baby, but it still wasn't enough!
* Too many eye boogers in my baby's eyes
* A lot of MTV's "Made" marathon

I went to:
* Shyla and Russell's house for New Year's Eve
* The bathroom only once yesterday - guess who's not drinking enough water anymore?
* Great lengths to make sure that my eyeliner was good for the baby photo shoot with Whitney yesterday

I thought about:
* My dream where my boss fired me for the mistakes of others
* The 365 (Picture-a-Day) project and how it will help me keep things excited around the house
* What we were going to eat for the next week - New year, new attitude about food
* How magical the new space heater is
* What life would be like if I weren't always looking at what will happen and just focused on what is happening

I got:
* High School Musical Dance Dance Revolution from Santa
* Dizzy after a whole day of not taking care of myself and instead focusing on the baby
* A Cocomotion for when Russell, Megan and I have hot chocolate parties (Thanks, Flanagans)
* Emotional after taking my baby out in the wintery cold
* High School Musical Mystery Date (Yay Mommy!)
* Many Facebook well wishes, which made me feel amazing

I gave:
* The gift of life
* A lot of people a new title (aunt, Grandpa, Grandma, etc.)
* Apparently confusing scarves
* Not nickel-free arrow rings
* Caleb the wrong idea
* A very huggable polar bear

I ate:
* More See's candy in the last two weeks than I have in the last two decades
* Seriously delicious clementines and now I want more
* All of the peanut brittle

I learned:
* That my capacity to love is bigger than I ever imagined
* To be patient with myself can only help my situation
* That I am a stud on Guitar Hero 2
* How to utilize my free time to do projects that always get swept to the wayside
* From my mistakes
* That my priorities have changed, but that I'm not a completely different person now that I have a child
* All about my "special talent" in regard to my parents
* That I need my husband just as much as I'd always thought he needed me
* Sometimes people who I thought were out to get me might really have been looking out for my best interests

We're Just Racing Time...Where's the Finish Line?

 

Hello, little crib! We're so glad that you're here in our bedroom and illuminated by the fancy lighting Caleb put in today. We're so happy you're being tested by all of the friends; we know Jack will be safe. And finally, we're so thrilled that we are able to have enough funds to get everything we need for the baby, especially you.

**************

Last night, Caleb and I were able to visit our wonderful friends Joe and Whitney. It's always an adventure to see them, and we always learn a lot of interesting things about life (including a trick where one picks up a book anywhere he is and just starts reading - I'm sure that widens your horizons really fast!). 

Something that Whitney and I were talking about is making every day special. She was telling me that a blogger that she reads, who now is in pretty bad shape after an accident, was able to do that. We were both inspired by that, but I don't think Whitney expected me to be so inspired that I'd challenge her to do actually do it! So, here it is, I'm publicly calling Whitney out (though I've already done it in the privacy of her own home) - she and I are going to make every day special for a week, starting Monday, December 1st. I don't really have any particular plans for how to do this, but I really want to start finding joy in everyday life. 

********

I've been a productive little bee today - did some homework, found a few screws for Caleb's lighting project, helped with the laundry, finished and gathered all of the Christmas presents going to Houston, found my Nat King Cole Christmas CD and listened the heck out of it, made a fancy new Gnocchi recipe (gnocchi=good, the recipe=meh) - and the night is still young. Booyah, world! Just because I feel like I can't breathe (thanks to a certain little someone making my guts out of whack and me fat) doesn't mean that I can't keep it real on a Saturday!

With or Without You

Looks like Saturday posting has become my thing. Not such a bad thing, but my thing nonetheless.

I am feeling amazing this morning. Even though I was freezing last night after watching a flag football game, even though my body decided to start practicing for the Big Show, even though I have a pretty full day ahead of me.... It's simply fascinating how outlook and perspective can change the most mundane and pedestrian things into something new and shiny.

*****

When we were engaged, Caleb kept a countdown to two things on his phone: our wedding day and the opening night for "Transformers." Every morning, when he would come to pick me up for work, he would say, "Good morning - 55 days until we get married and 325 days until Transformers" or whatever the count was for that particular day. Pretty often, I couldn't tell which he was more excited for. So, when the first of the two days came, I thought he would forget about the countdown to the movie - I mean, it was our wedding day! But the countdown continued. And when the second of the two days came, I tried to gauge how much excitement "Transformers" gave him; we got to the movie theater two hours before the movie started, we sat amongst the Nerdy and the Weirdies, he gasped at every new sight of each robot in disguise. It seemed like I might have been wrong - there was no way he could get more excited about something than about this all-encompassing movie.

And then we conceived a child. And we found a countdown for it.

Caleb often tells me how many more days there are until Jack's supposed arrival. It was fine when it was triple-digits. A little more pressure was added when it slid into doubles. And now that it's closing in on a month, I'm starting to consider taking it down altogether.

Because with our wedding day, it was either August 4th or bust. With "Transformers," our tickets were dated and verified.

But with a baby? The numbers may as well be "???????? days."

Because I read yesterday that only 5% of babies come on their due date. Because I am getting bombarded with birthing stories. Late late comers. Super early comers. In the middle of the night comers. In the middle of grocery shopping comers. Because no matter what I do, I can't make a personal invitation for my baby to come at any other time than when he's ready. 

So, I trust that those who know better than I do will be able to keep the situation under control while I can't.

And, for the record? I think Caleb's more excited about December 20th, 2008 than any other day in human history.

Saturday Afternoon is Best Used by Saturday Evening

An anecdote:

Recently, when I've been chided by people for being a married woman who says other men are cute, I reply,  "I just like boys, okay? I like boys so much that I've decided to make one of my own." Typically, the response is a mix of disgust/confusion.

But, booyah, you dopes got schooled, Flanagan-style.

*******

 

Thanksgiving is coming up (after Halloween and Election day, of course) and I cannot wait. Unfortunately, we won't be traveling anywhere (especially anywhere that dinner can be held outside), but I think it will be a very fun time for all of us here in the Flannyclan. By then, I'll be 37 weeks along (let's hope that Jack will still be cooking) and we'll be in the home stretch of fall semester. And, of course, we'll be eating some delicious food (wherever we will be this year) and have the added bonus of Julie!

You dopes just got parenthesised, Flanagan-style.

*****

I don't want to become a mommy blog, but all I want to do recently is write about my anticipations, my excitements, my terrified thoughts about childbirth. For now, though, all of those generalizations will have to suffice.

You dopes just got vagued, Flanagan-style.

Maintenant

There are three partially-placed things going on in my head right now:

• I wish I knew enough French to only speak in French for a whole day. Though my teacher hates me, my French class has made me appreciate the sound of my own voice speaking this beautiful language.
• Partial lyrics to "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morrissette. 
• Partial verses to the song "God So Loved the World" that is in the church choirbook.

An odd list, to be sure. But I guess it also speaks to how weird and long of a week this has been. On Sunday night, I had this feeling of dread for the coming week. On Monday morning, I set out to make the best of it all. On Tuesday afternoon, I told my husband that my brain and schedule were so overloaded that the physical manifestation had kept me home from school.

His response was, "Let's just take it all one thing at a time."

And so I have been. And things have been working out. And even better than that, I knew that I wasn't having to do this alone - the value of the "Let's" portion of that phrase became immeasurable as the hours turned into days past.

******

I am so excited to be below triple digits for the Jack Attack to come. He has gotten more exciting to be around lately - when he first showed up, it was like he was barely even here. But, just thinking about how in less than 3 months we might be holding the only First Child we'll ever have, it makes him more "here" than ever. We've amassed just a few cute things, but the real gathering of baby goodness probably won't happen until it absolutely has to. The thing is, that day is sooner than it feels like!

******

I am really looking forward to this weekend.

I Even Surprise Myself

I ate cookies for breakfast today - oreos and peanut butter cookies. I am unapologetic.

********

This summer has been much better than last summer, for three reasons:

 

It was so great to have these three in town with Caleb and I; having Rick, Shelley and Julie around for adventures was just about the best thing that could have happened to a girl like me. Just to illustrate, who would have come over to help me babysit Baby James every week like this:

Or who would have eaten foil dinners with us at a moment's notice like this:

 

 Or even attend a really great bridal shower, thrown by moi, like this:

 

Or, especially, start a brand new adventure that comes out with two baby boys at Christmastime like this:

The best times weren't even photographically-documented. Just chilling on a couch or talking on the phone about the latest and greatest. We have been really lucky to enjoy the beautifully warm weather outside and the wonderfully warm company inside. And I guess I didn't even realize it was happening until it wasn't happening anymore. I sit in my near-empty apartment with those three far, far away. 

The only thing that makes the end of summer and the end of this era alright is that we don't have to have an end of being us - we all get to be together forever! So, enjoy California, you three, and I will see you again as soon as I can.

Hold Your Own, Know Your Name, Go Your Own Way

I just embrace whatever comes.

And when I don't embrace whatever it is, I retreat.

I think I'm done with the phase of my life that has been happening lately. But I don't have anywhere else to go.

That just means more digging into my options.

******

And all I can think about right now is the coming of the baby. I don't really want to make time for anything else.

Our newest little downstairs neighbor is a 2 year old Dream Girl who I've been charmed by since she and her parents moved in. During sacrament meeting today, Caleb mentioned that she has curly, unruly hair and a round face like I did when I was young. I can see the resemblance, and it got me to thinking -

Caleb and I have been calling our little one "him" and "he." Because we are so focused on one boy name, we're just assuming our baby is a little guy. Caleb and I are not from largely-male households - quite the opposite, actually. But for some reason, we keep pressing on in the baby boy ideas. But now, with the pseudo-Baby Holly sighting, what if it's a girl? What will she look like? I keep hoping that my kids end up with my reddish hair and Caleb's calves. And I guess those two things are pretty accessible to boys and girls alike. So, I'm going to try to be conscious of the gender mystery currently unfolding in my belly right now, instead of jumping to silly conclusions.

******

June really feels like summer. So, I'm excited to really get started, get going.

Are the Details in the Fabric?

So, I'm feeling super manic today.

******


Yesterday, I saw a commercial for Disneyland, which piqued my "I Need to Get Out of This Town!" blood vessels. So, I'm stomping around now, trying to think of ways to outsmart The Man and blow this popsicle stand.

What if we went to a Coldstone in Park City instead of the one down the street? What if I convinced Caleb that Vegas is nice this time of year? What if I convinced Kellie to fake a cold, so Caleb and I would have to rush to Redlands to save her?

And then I ponder on ways to get my mom to take me on a girls' day to Disneyland while I'm down in Redlands for the wedding.

You know, Mom was pretty excited when her picture was in Paper Trends in my mini album. And that picture was taken at Disneyland. So, if I can convince her that another thing like that will happen if we go to Disneyland, then it'll be a cinch.

I'm concocting all of these hare-brained schemes and I've convinced myself that they'll all work wonders, when Caleb says: "Even if you went to Disneyland, you couldn't ride most of the rides, thanks to the baby." Gah for logic. Gah for antsy-ness. But, mostly gah for the outside world being so dang tantalizing. Disneyland is still possible though - it always is.

*****
Lately, I'm addicted to three things: water, soft serve ice cream, and photography blogs. These two that I've linked are to super talented photographers; the first is Whitney Hardie (she's my friend! I know her!) and the second is Johnathan Canlas (who Whitney's interning for). I really recommend going to both if you're having a blah day, since their creativity will inspire you!

As for the other two things, they'll help you out if you're feeling thirsty and hot. Which, you know, is totally possible.

*****

Yesterday, I went on a totally fun adventure to take my friends Kileen and Gerald Smith to an interview for being on-site managers at an apartment complex. I just loved that they asked me on an adventure! After their interview, we all loaded up the car (including their baby Aurora!) and set off to Sonic, where I tried my first real juice slush. Hello! It was awesome. I just like to go off and do things I don't normally do, even if it's just a quick trip for an interview that I didn't even partake in. I hope Caleb and I get to hang out with them before they leave WHEN they get this awesome job. See? Positive thinking.


*****

I'm illegal.

A couple of weeks ago, I was laying on my couch in the morning, just pondering what is going on in my life right now.

Well, school's out. Work's going well. It's getting hotter outside, which makes it hotter inside. The baby's keeping it real, but the heartburn isn't.... Wait, what about Helen Grace chocolate peanut butter bears?

So, I google, find it on Amazon, order two boxes and charge that business.

The story, if it matters, is that Daddy used to sell Helen Grace candy for his school's choirs and bands; he would buy these chocolate peanut butter bears, which still strike memories in the hearts of Chatfield girls. And I bought some, on a whim, from the internet. I'm not a whim girl with my purchases, so after I did it, I kind of regretted it.

And then, today, the UPS man came while I was still in my jammies. He gave me this HUGE box, I signed and then he jingled down the stairs (dude had santa claus keys). I tear open the box, only to uncover quintuple layers of pastel-rainbow wrapping paper. And, there were the little boxes of bears. I've only eaten a few, so far, because I want to share. So, here's the call, I suppose. Come. And. Get.

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

Did I mention that any time my above or below neighbors turn on their bathroom fan, we can hear it echoing in our bathroom? I wish I knew who decided to shower in the middle of the night; I would go to their apartment, bra-less and bleary-eyed, and burst inside to humiliate them in their naked state. It sounds like a grainy, whining motor that indeterminately nags at me whenever it's on. And, to show how respect is really won, I have stopped leaving my fan on for longer than needs be. But, apparently the neighbors haven't gotten the message.

I've been thinking a lot about how I have been told that I go from one extreme to another. I believe that it would be more accurately put that I change my mind a lot, but with determination. I'm not much of a wishy-washy flip flop; if something is going to be believed, it may as well be full throttle. But, there are a lot of things to be believed, about myself and the world around me. So, with all the new information coming in every second, my former thought gives way to new ideas and new beliefs. And there lies the mysticism of my black and white lifestyle-I am always collecting the latest. And I want to conform to the latest, in my own way. I love the old parts, but I'm fascinated by the newest updates, especially by the ones that swing my way. All in all, though, I'm still the same me, no matter what I believe at any given moment.

Tonight, I said that I wanted to sleep the day away so it'd be tomorrow. And then, later, I said I wanted to stay up all night. How do people deal with those kinds of shenanigans from me? I'm exhausted, but I know I won't be able to sleep. I hope Caleb can sleep, though. It would make my life easier to know that I'm not causing him to have a restless night.

I've also been thinking about what it would be like to follow every whim one ever had. First off, that would be terribly draining. Secondly, it would be enthralling to see where your mind would take you. And lastly, it would be completely freeing. One can become a slave to anything, except oneself. When you're following all of your own orders, I wonder if it would lead to heaven or to hell.

Late night thoughts. Excuse me for them.

Forget about all of this. I hope you didn't even make it this far.

Everything That I'm Thinking

I wish I could be petulant. I wish there was room enough in my life to go on tiny rampages and let everyone else deal with the consequences. If that were the case, I'd have a lot more open enemies, but maybe I'd lose a little perspective, too. And sometimes I wish for that loss of perspective, that void of knowing that the high school politics are just stupid games.

But, there's no room for that. I have to make big girl decisions and take care of my adult life. I get to realize that there is more to me than what I have now. And, I depend on me for my happiness.

I'm going to make the best of my situation. And I'm going to feel bad for anyone else who has decided not to do so.

We're Not Gonna Pay

My heart is just bursting. And there is no reason for it.

We saw a crappy movie tonight. It's so stinking cold here. My Christmas shopping isn't done yet and I am considering just giving cash money instead of gifts.

I'm just feeling inspired because I have to. I lead a small town life and I usually have small town ambitions, being a wife and mother to people I care about.

But lately, I'm obsessed with three things: babies, not living an internet life, and being in a rock band.

My new ethnicity is currently Rock Star.That's all I can relate to right now. I feel like there should be some Rock Star club on campus that I can join and bond with my fellow Rock Star brethren. I want to get fake tattoos and just put them everywhere. My gut is telling me that I have this huge potential to blow the brains out of multiple sources if only I just put all of my restlessness into one huge EP. But I have no one proficient enough in rock and roll to guide my along my way.

And I'm sick of leading my internet life. There were times when the internet was all I had to keep myself sane, but I look back on those times and realize that there was a fine line between sane and complete BS. When I recently deleted my yahoo account, I was going through old emails for useful content and I got so mad at myself for years wasted, hearts broken. I knew better than all that. I was so hungry for attention and so craving of validation that I just left my heart trail strewn across countless virtual wastelands. I have set myself up for meeting these great people and then having them completely inaccessible in the real world. I've said it before and I'll say it again, all I want is to have all the people I love close enough to hold. And my stupid internet life puts me in touch with people I'll never really touch. I hate myself for that.

The babies? What's new with that, other than I'm taking my prenatal vitamins every day. The weeks are crawling by and the closer it gets, the less I feel up for it. My life is colliding into one massive a-bomb come January, so I want to turn around and back up into it, blindfolded. And part of that is to just skate into having a baby. All the other parts are going to be so hard, so I hope that karma and fate decide to make the baby part easy, initially.

*****

These things, these thoughts that flood my mind every second of the day, may sound daunting, dastardly, decidedly off-putting. But they are gunning me toward pushing the envelope and being That Girl. I've just got to get there. I've just got to.

Here's A Late-Night Letter

This is all meta. Don't read this if that bores you.

****


One thing I've always struggled with was the here and now. The days gone by are best and the future kid holds so much more than I'd ever want or need. But the now? Eh, just give me tomorrow.

So, I'm never surprised when I feel anxious. The heart beating out of my chest for no real reason is something that has always frequented my life. It's never shocking when I want to get in a car and drive or take all that well-saved cash and blow it on bubble gum. And it's actually no surprise when I do those things.

I just am not in love with this moment. Or this moment. Or this one.

So, there are dreams I like to dream; they usually include blowing this popsicle stand and doing the unexpected. The solace I find in this is that I know that even if I did that, I'd continue dreaming about it. If I found myself on the other side of the world, meditating and serene, I would assuredly be wistful about days of deadlines and dishes.

My life is happy. My life is blessed. But I don't know how to deal with my restlessness now that my life is tied to another person's. There have always been consequences to my actions and there was never a carte blanche. Now, those consequences are bigger and my limitations are squeezed. All blissfully, but still there.

I just want what I want and I feel like I should get what I need. But I don't know what's best for me. A better question is who does? In my heart of hearts, there are a couple things I'm dying for.

And here I thought that this was a 48-hour bug. Eating me up inside now, I suppose. Just be normal, Holly. Get back to yesterday's normal.

Please Bless Her That All Her Dreams Will Come True

My hair is getting longer. I promise.

***********

Yesterday was our first time with our ward in almost a month; we had strep for a week and then General and Stake conferences, so we were out of commission with the ward for so long. At any rate, I was stoked to teach our little nursery class and practice singing the primary songs for the primary presentation. Let it suffice to say that I was in a happy mood.

While we were singing the opening hymn, my eyes started to well up with huge tears. At first, I was convinced that I was just so happy to be there with my husband that my emotions got the best of me. Then, as my tears flowed through the sacrament, the first speaker, the second speaker, the special musical number and the last speaker, I was otherwise convinced.

The answer hasn't come yet, and while I pulled it together for nursery, I am still feeling the unexplained emotional power.

Yay for being a girl.

You make me somebody
Nobody knows me
Not even me can see

There are times when I feel antsy. Like now. There are times when I type "three" instead of "there." Like now. There are times when I feel inspired to be my very best. And my very worst. Being crazy is inspiring and being normal is welcoming.

****************

And my life is very good compared to most. I wish I could record all of the worst moments of people's lives, string them together and see who has the longest, most dreadful video. And when I had all the movies of the people that mean the most to me, I'd have an exclusive film festival showing the very best and very worst.

When all the popcorn is gone and the lights turn back on, I would want to turn to the viewers and say:

When you saw your life flash before your eyes, did it sting? When you saw others' lives, did it hurt? I know my life is good and I'm sure your's is too. Please hold on when it hurts and please remember that when it stings, your life is good.

It breaks my heart to see people I love struggle over grains of sand.

You Want to Rock, Let's Rock!

There are spiderwebs outside my back door. Also, ghosts with newspaper for brains.

YAY HALLOWEEN!

***************

It's interesting what happens when I'm not in the mood to do things. For instance, today, I was called upon to teach a small make and take at work; for some reason, I hadn't really gotten in the groove and I just wasn't really feeling peppy enough to promote a stamp press.

Which reminds me, I think my cramps may have lead me to a caffeine addiction.

Anyway, I knew I would have to push through these blahs, so I ramped up and decided to fake it 'til I made it. Of course, things went well (though not as well as most of my classes). I just can't believe that people are able to do things that would normally be against their will.

YAY BEING A GROWN-UP!

I want to be more productive and we might be going to Lagoon.

She Had So Much Soul

I just wrote Tim a letter. A couple of pages long with a few P.S. notes on the back, it just reminded me of how much I love to love people. He was a very good boy and I'm glad that he doesn't balk at the thought of his ex-girlfriend's older, married sister writing him letters from half-way around the world.

Make them straighten up their hat
Because she knows they're soft

All is well in the Flanagan house for another day. I am going to put up the faux cobwebs and the sweet Halloween banner Mommy made me last year to welcome another October 31st. I love Halloween so much and I can't believe that this year we're actually going to the ward activity dressed up! It's just too bad that the little Wymount kids aren't trick or treating here this year; I may have to have our nursery kids come anyway, because I bet they'll be so cute!

I just turned up the heater. Holla!

Going back to the first thought, I am so happy to like the people I like. I also like to not like the people I don't like, which is definitely a drawback to my personality. I don't like it when people I like give me reasons to not like them. I also don't like it when people I don't like give me reasons to like them. I like familiarity and hate change. I like to be liked. I also like to be disliked.

You Give Yourself Away

I love U2. I'll admit it.

*************

Putting off way too many IMPORTANT things. Like, feeding my family with actual groceries and making sure that I actually can wear clean clothes.

Tonight's the night! Getting the act together!

A crash of waves, a break of thunder
Tiding the ebb and flows of hunger

Again, with the scrapbooking. Same paragraph as before and everything. Because of the flood at work, there is pretty much no way that anything normal can happen and therefore - nothing for us to do. Today, I made some wonderful little pages that I'm hoping are good enough to display. They are all little random gems that aren't really status quo for samples, but I love them! Maybe today is the day that I will receive some new prints in the mail and I'll just rampage through all my cardstock, ravish it and tear into some deep parts of history.

May I suggest you get the best

Or I'll get this crazy feeling out of my chest. It's my "there is probably something deep in my psyche that needs to be unleashed" chest clench. Or it's a "I have so much pent up energy and I need to go run around somewhere" esophogial spasm. Works like a charm.

I have never been able to explain it, but I've had it ever since I was a teenager. There are just some days where I feel like I can't breathe, but no matter how many puffs of the inhaler are inhaled. I'm sure it's a psychological thing, but I wish it wouldn't insist on visiting me so often.

With a whole new meaning and a brand new sense
Completely unrelated to the one I sent

I am so happy. I am so fresh. There are none that can touch me and none brave enough to try. If I weren't me, I would want to be.

To Somehow Attract Your Attention

Thoughts of you are tattooed on my mind
Let me show you

Something cathartic about this space. It's just something that helps me get it all out and feel light as a feather when I'm done. Amazingly enough, there isn't even that much to purge lately - the job's good, the house is AMAZING, the boyfriend is the best. The only things that I could contend might be giving me restless nights are my crazy, vivid dreams of burning passions and raging idealisms. I'm up, pounding out realizations in the wee hours, only to forget them at dawn.

Strange, strange.

********

There was a flood in my store on Sunday night. Water main burst, 5 inches of standing water, 2 inches of silt. A Holly cleaning crew Monday morning. Awesome. Something like that. At least it's out of the ordinary. Wouldn't it be crazy if the place you worked was perpetually flooded?

You and me, I can see us dying.
Are we?

This scrapbooking thing is getting to impossible-to-reign-in heights. I am compelled to scrapbook at all times of the night and day. Point - there are few pictures left to scrapbook (for I will never do the wedding!) and I am in this frenzy to create and here I am. No pictures. Plenty of frenzy.

Relax your mind
Lay back and groove with mine

I am a believer in karma, to a certain degree. It doesn't hurt to do good things and to put good things out into the world because those good things can only be returned with good. The bad things? Well, they are returnable, as well. And that is why people find things happening to them that are otherwise unexplainable. Why else would anyone lose their keys in a matter of seconds?

Can anybody out there feel me?
Cause I can't seem to find myself.

I don't know when I became a-feared of the doctor's office, but here I am, once again. Cavities! I could probably point out, on a toothy chart, where it hurts and how deep the pain goes. It's not a mystery thing that hinders my dentistry progress - it's the adult process. I can choose what to do now. And what do I choose? Being stubborn about chewing sweet things only on the left side of my mouth.

Dumb.

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Flight of the Conchords: Episode 4 has been downloading on iTunes for 4 hours now. Worth it?

What a hilarious misunderstanding.

Wrapped Around Your Finger

I've been looking for inspiration lately. Not just for scrapbooking or for blogging, but for life.

And I really think the things that inspire me the most are sometimes the things that bring out the worst in me. Something about listening to The Police encompasses all the feelings I have when I am sure that I don't have to consider anything that anyone else has to say. Reading Ayn Rand makes me believe that yes, I was right in thinking that I can be my best self at the expense of others all those times. When I see the huge blue sky with all the white puffy clouds, it reminds me that in a world that sometimes tries to make me feel small, I can feel important and larger than life. All those traits that I try to stuff in the back of my mind make me ME and sometimes it's hard to remember that.

It makes me laugh to think that the things that make me feel the most like myself are base and self-serving.

***********************

I head home in a couple of days. I won't be bringing my husband, however, though I tried hard to make him come. I'm excited to go, but it will be hard to leave. You know?